the perfect pucker pout: top six beauty tips, and this time I mean it
It's a reasonable enough request. Hey sweet|salty, here at Rockefeller Womens' Beauty Magazine Group, we're featuring Beauty Tips for Lazy Mommy Bloggers. Or something like that. And they wanted me to send in five of my Beauty Tips for Lazy Mommy Bloggers. And I said okay because... well, I don't know why. Because the Rockefellers. And How To Have Sixty - Count 'Em! Sixty! - Orgasms This Weekend, and The Fun, Fearless Female Special Report: Are You A Bitch?, and How To Turn Your Office Crush Into Something More, and That Zit Scar Is So Toast*, and all my other fabulous faves. It felt prestigious. My beauty tips on the same page as Legs That Ooze Sex Appeal: Miley's Pretty Polly Pearly Tights.
Okay. So. <rolls sleeves, cracks knuckles> Beauty tips.
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1. THE THIEF'S SCRUB
Like in 1920s-era orphanages where there's a tin tub and the matron takes a bundle of steel wool to your pickpocketing self. And as she's scrubbing she's muttering about what's come of the world with all these runabouts and the solution involves lye and penance. So. Find something less harsh than steel wool but significantly meaner than those poufs that look like wads of cotton candy, and scrub yourself all over until you can hardly stand it. You'll come out soft as a baby and as sinless too.
2. THE 'RAZOR BLADE'
Apparently there's a thing that takes the hair off your legs and other bits. If you don't pick it up now and then, you'll stick like velcro to your sheets.**
3. EVERYTHING YOUR MOTHER TOLD YOU
Stand up straight. It's the cheapest and most instantaneous way to lose weight, look younger, earn the good cut of clothes, and feel more engaged with the world. Furthermore, quit scowling. And don't pick at your eczema unless you're alone in your car.
4. THE AGE-ADJUSTMENT
You can't mix beer and cherry vodka anymore. Consider how you're taking care of your skin -- if it's the same ritual as you had when you were 23, find someone to slap you across the cheek with a dead haddock. Then set yourself to the task of adjusting, and consistently: moisturize, exfoliate, and use sunscreen. Pond's cold cream, backgammon, Jimmy Dorsey, and lukewarm wheatlets. Whatever works.
5. THE FASHION INVESTMENT
Oil, electricity, groceries. Details. Choose to worship one of the following: 1) lingerie; or 2) jeans. Spend the necessary money at the necessarily posh shops. Because it's better to spend $100 on one incredible, British-fitted, kickass bra that will change your whole shape and posture for a year than it is to spend $100 in the same time period on six slouchy, discount-rack, wrong-sized, unflattering floppers and loathe them all. Most of us will be able to make an investment like that sparingly -- like one new pair of jeans every spring or two. But when you do, pass on the mall. Go straight to a Queen Street boutique. Do the annual math of all those failed, worn-three-times impulse buys. Skip them all and buy one good pair instead.
6. THE PUBERTY-PERSPECTIVE
Whenever you feel like you're getting old, take a fifteen-minute wheatlet break outside your local high school. Watch how the kids in there hide behind their hair, bristling in their skin. Note the lack of autonomy, facial pustules, stumbly feet, and desperate aromas. Then stand a little taller, realizing how cool it is to know, finally, at least comparatively, who you are.
* I grabbed the title to make fun of it and then I went back and totally clicked it.
** If you equate body hair with a feminist statement or a freedom statement or a body-hair-loving statement, that's fine, but you've clearly never tried to sleep in a flannel bed, and that's all I have to say about that.
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Rockefeller's intern wrote back and said: Uuhhh. Do you think you could... uuhhh. Maybe more... just... tips?
I told her it had taken me three straight days to come up with those and that all I had left was the bit about not picking at your eczema unless you're alone in your car. So I added that. She said Uuhhh.
Here's the thing. Mommy or not, women in their mid to late-thirties and forties don't need hot stones or morrocan oil or sixty orgasms in two days to recapture their glow or whatever it is they imagine they had when they were in high school. If age-related invisibility is starting to grate, all you need is effort and even then, just a teeny bit. A teeny bit of makeup. A teeny bit of laundry and bubbles and paint your toes a pretty colour. There aren't any secrets and there aren't any tips.
Just get dressed. You already know how.
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I do what I do but none of it's newsworthy. It's just caring enough to do it. Which isn't all the time. I hardly ever dry my hair. It just kinda hangs there and I slap an acrylic toque on top and the ends freeze into little hairsicles and then I get back inside but I don't take off the acrylic toque because mmm, acrylic toque, and so I wear it all day long because it's a fuzzy blanket except it's FOR YOUR HEAD.
Sometimes I dry my hair. Sometimes. And when I do, I feel brighter. Sassy, if you will. Almost... ... ... <whispers> bitchy/fearless.
Help me out. What am I missing? Small things, big things, product. I don't care. I'd just like to know if it's weird to have been so stumped. To have no Tips. Do you?
How's your pucker?
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Reader Comments (52)
For me? Sweating and stretching and diving through the face of a cresting wave, feeling my surfboard tug at my ankle as the world transforms into a silent roar of water and I am, for a few moments, weightless and ageless and what I always wanted to be: a flying mermaid
And eyebrows... its all about the eyebrows.
JB, yeah. I've heard that. And brows... totally. I look like the blonde ewok (ref: YUBNUB) if I don't get them done. I didn't always, though. I was getting my hair cut several years ago and the owner, who's totally a three-dollar-bill kind of guy, screeched at the sight of my face and literally dragged me to the aesthetics chair and demanded that his girl "tidy up this face for the love of christ". I didn't think I needed to do it until I did it. Well. Until he made me. It makes such a big difference.
Because all of these things preserve my youthful glow because no decent 36 year old mother of three could otherwise be this unkempt. She has to be YOUNG!
Wait, this might not be helping my cause in the envy department, right? Because at least in my mind, permission to pee your pants while sitting next to someone and getting a tan is pretty much heaven on earth.
Try the double braids. Really.
But beauty tips? From me? Ha! I'm just taking notes. I'm learning to invest in myself. That I can.
Martin laughed at the razor tip. Maybe that was a hint.
The paragraph that starts "Here's the thing."? That may need to be framed and hung in a place of honor.
LOVE!
when i'm truly lazy and broke i use regular old hair conditioner instead of shaving cream to shave my legs. works like a charm.
Also? I think I love you.
(PS My 39-year-old boyfriend always always dries his hair.)
But, I can also share that I've discovered that Noxema is still kinda amazing, a good (probably expensive) red lipstick will make you feel instantly sexy and that sometimes even just one piece of haphazard jewellery will earn me comments of looking "put together" (as if). Yup....that's about the best I can do.
ps - I only dry my hair as a way to get warm because my apartment's godawful expensive to heat in the winter.
Also, what Palinode said.
I don't dry my hair either.
My beaty tip? I'm very pale. In the winters I use a self-tanning moisturizer which makes me look slightly, sometimes frightening, orange.
Four Fab Finds for a Gorgeous You This Instant:
Awesome boots. Wearing them today, they are working their mojo. *twinkle* *stomp*
A trusted hairdresser, your sensitive and loving friend. Go more often that you think you need to.
Big necklaces OR big earrings, not both.
Learned from living in the Islamic world - scarves, scarves, scarves. Around the hair, around the neck, around the waist. Work it, Scheherazade!
i think i'm in hiding. no tips. look away.
Teenagers all wear the same styles to fit in. The mark of a grown up is wearing only the styles that suit them.
I do that about once a year or less. Too icky, really.
I usually have a couple rules: never leave the house in sweatpants, unless you are actually exercising,. Eyebrows...it really is about the brows. And spend money on good shoes, dammit. Shoes with support and arches...not those flat things. If we all wore better shoes, we could all ave better posture and less "pains" everywhere.
Now the three kids have been sick for like a month and I am totally in a slump and wearing sweatpants and my eyebrows have taken over my face...so...go figure.
Also, I've found that no one knows how often I wash my hair except me & that it's happier if I don't wash it every day (plus, then I have time to shave or pumice my feet when showering).
This lady and her daughter hold court side by side, clipping. Daughter says (sort of breathy, tossed our direction), "What are you doing? Hmm?"
"Getting RID of it," says Mom.
"THANK GOODNESS," hisses Daughter, but in a cute, sparkly, all-of-us-in-on-the-joke kind of way.
Mom reports she comes from a family of ten children. She is youngest. Everyone thinks they're Catholic, but, no, "we're very careless Baptists."
When it's over, I have layers I don't think I want. They give me the somewhat friendly third degree re: hairdryers. "One simple movement, one small flick, and it's on. And then you dry. Your HAIR. You dig?"
Which felt like I was at the dentist confessional, talking floss. Do I? Don't I?
(I floss. But I am Roadkill With Hairdryers.)
Daughter coos, "See how much BETTER you look? SO MUCH BETTER! **SOOOO*** MUCH!"
Mom: "Shut up! Seriously! Why don't you tell us how you really feel?"
*****
I have used the hairdryer once since the layers. I felt extremely virtuous.
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My tip: If there's no better plan for aging than trying to shore up the inevitable melt...
I'm out. I'd rather read and think and hang out with fun people on the internet and cool "elderly" people here at home.
I'll shower. I'll floss. I'll brush my teeth and take walks when I can. I'll wear stuff I like, that fits a 40 something. And I'll enjoy having the perspective I lacked while I was dating serial killers (in the name of rehabilitation, theirs, not mine...ironically) during my 20s.
Thanks for keeping it real, SSK - don't stop.
Cathy in Missouri
2. But worry excessively! You will clench your gut continuously and soon have an enviable six-pack.
3. Eschew nail-clippers! Use your god-given teeth instead. Bonus: cuticles make a good snack!*
Those would be my tips.
*This grossed me out so bad, but I'm posting it anyway.
(Lazy mommy bloggers? Seriously?)
(Also, I am SO RELIEVED to find out I'm not the only one using diaper wipes instead of a daily shower.)
But I do have things that always make me feel good.
*Exercise. I usually try to go 3 times a week. Virtuous feeling afterwards is all worth it
*Good jeans as mentioned above. Just one killer pair that you can either dress up or dress down.
*tinted moisturiser, mascara and lip gloss (I do not do this often{ok virtually never})
I'm pretty lucky in that my hair is pretty decent and I don't have to do much, but I find that a high ponytail usually works well for tidiness and looking ok (and very flattering)
sigh. I wish I WAS one of those amazing always-looks-fantastic mums, but I'm just not. So glad there are others the same!
Even now, I have little to offer. I find myself so busy that "be sure to check the mirror before leaving home/car" is probably at the top of my list. Sorry, I am unable to help, but certainly amused and taking notes on some of the replies!!
thanks for sharing great tips!
Why not try my two favorites? A whole bag of Cheeziez will stain your lips a glowing shade of coral - just the colour for spring! Bonus will be the gorgeous matching fingertips.
Or how about three-quarters of a bottle of red wine? That pale-on-the-outside, dark-purple-on-the-inside lip is sultry vampire and totally of the moment!
http://pacingthepanicroom.blogspot.com/search/label/the%20take%20home%20series
Big smiles and taking notes all around...
Magpie: Cetaphil is great for People Who Never Wash Their Face. It's plain and gentle and excellent, and dermatologists swear by it.
Jada and Natalie... well, crap. Dairy being bad. Somehow I knew that but I'm on a hot chocolate kick right now (the really, really good, dark kind) and so this news is highly inconvenient.
Emily in Amman... raggedy stuffed toy with half its stuffing fallen out, and an unremovable crusty bit of unknown origin. yeah.
Arnebya, totally right about the polish. I painted mine a kind of bright orangey-red after writing this and I feel awesome in a way that is noticed by nobody. BUT THAT'S STILL AWESOME.
Holiday, you nodded at me and I'm nodding back. We're preaching to each other about the jeans. Exactly like furniture, yes.
Erica, good point. We are as beautiful as we'll ever be, right now. Depressing yet freeing.
Cathy in Missouri... giggling. That's fantastic.
DiaryofWhy, yes! You reminded me. I use an eyelash curler every day, mostly because I have hardly any eyelashes. It helps.
Robin, point 2: I'm ALL OVER THAT.
Emily in Amman again: giggling. Again.
If SSK's Blog were a bar, I'd totally be there. "Sometimes you wanna go..." la, la, la
And why aren't any of you writing for the shows I zip past in nanoseconds? If you were, I wouldn't have to resort to Netflix (Extreme Forensics) at 2 a.m. My husband asks why I've become such a crime aficionado. Because you're not writing screenplays (are you?). Get busy.
It's probably what the SSK said previously, about blogs being very democratic. The people who end up staying here are the ones who like it. I like them. And we all like Her.
What say we start a planet? Anywhere Bureaucracy Dies A Thousand Bitter Deaths will work.
Cathy in Missouri
Other than that, I'm cheap with regard to beauty. I get semi-permanent hair color to color my grays at Sally Beauty for $6 a pop, and it lasts about 4-5 weeks. Tinted Burts's Bees lipgloss, powder and blush from Sally Beauty as well.
As far as confidence boosting strategies go, I opt for high heels. They help with my posture (make me remember to suck it in) and I like the way they look. Not for everyday, of course, but when I want to be all fancy.
Oh! and glossing oil for my coarse hair is great. I have some of that Moroccan Oil, but when I run out I'll buy the generic product from Sally. I had blunt bangs cut a couple of years ago and they make me feel more girly.
Also, my Mason Pearson boar-bristle hairbrush. Why does someone need a nearly $200 hairbrush? Because it's AMAZING. And mascara. Never without mascara.
So would my mother, however, who claimed that Asian skin was "special" because the natural oils would prevent signs of aging. And - though I hate to sound ungrateful - YES, I don't have "crinkles" like many of my non-Asian counterparts have on their faces. But I think maybe my pores just swallowed them.
I'll tell you what has helped me in the appearance department: SLEEP. But not fitful thirty-minute bouts of dozing, punctuated by a crying toddler or a bed-wetting 6 year-old. Actual HOURS (more than 6!) of uninterrupted sleep cycles that allow dreams and REM and all that good stuff. No amount of makeup or lotion can cover up exhaustion and crankiness due to deprivation.
Also - my "desert island" makeup item has been and will always be: my MAC lipstick. The hues have changed over the years, and this year it's Del Rio. God Bless MAC for churning out this stuff. Without it, I will always think I look like an Asian boy with long hair. And boobs.
And actualized pores.
Josie Maran Argan Oil (and all her other products, especially the Matchmaker foundation and Hydrating Liquid Powder) will make the tip about not picking your eczema unless alone in the car nearly completely irrelevant - and yes, that does mean in Winter.
Really, honestly, without a doubt. Her makeup feels a)better than most MOISTURIZERS and b) natural and environmentally conscious enough to feel like you're not selling out/being un-authentic/hiding behind it.
If I had to cut everything else out of my regimen save facewash, toothpaste, and tea tree oil, I would keep this.
But don't change a thing with the tips. They're oh so true. Invest invest invest.
I also never shave, but I have soft light colored hair on my body that you can barely see. It certainly does not cling to flannel sheets! I don't iron clothes unless absolutely necessary. I don't dry my hair. I don't go to a hair salon (I cut my own long, straight hair once or twice a year). But I honestly don't think my appearance suffers from any of these apparent negligences.
A knee-length skirt that swirls around when you walk is a must. I'm all about scarves and shawls these days--even the most boring clothes become interesting when you throw extra fabric around your neck. I rarely bother to wear earrings, but when I do I instantly feel more presentable.
Thanks for the eyebrow reminder. I made my appointment today.
-Hair conditioning oil. The Argan/Moroccan oil is good, but low-status brand "pure shine" does great for me too, and with less odor. After I do my own hair, I run my oily hands through my toddler's curly hair too. Huge improvement for both of us.
-A great haircut/hairstylist. Some people swear by great jeans, but I swear by an awesome cut, and all the advice that comes with it. I just rediscovered that last year, and I've vowed I'm never going back to straight parts or ponytails.
-Bert's Bees tinted lip balm - for those days I want color and moisturizer without a big production. Different shades for different levels of dressiness.
-Earrings, especially colorful dangly ones. They can pull together even mundane outfits. Jeans and yesterday's shirt? No problem - add some earrings. One place I had to work in khaki pants and somehow make it look dressy. Earrings always saved me and didn't get in the way in the workroom.
That's all I've got. Maybe someday I'll even get terrific jeans and an eyebrow wax. Oo, something for my list.