sitcom rejection from a mother of sons
If your husband is a knuckle-dragging oaf who can only please you with unsolicited vacuuming, what does that make you?
REASONABLE HANDCRAFTED FACSIMILE.
The male appendage is kind of goofy. Fair enough. If it wasn’t, we wouldn’t call it a schlong. This one time, in the ski patrol hut, I saw one shaped into an interpretive sculpture of a squirrel riding a bicycle. But is appendage goofiness transferrable? Is every dad and husband reduceable to what we see on sitcoms? Does that not then reduce us to the shrill, lazy-thinking harpies we see on sitcoms?
Women who engage in such reduction make me want to trade in my vagina.
This isn’t meant to be some kind of denial. Some men leave the seat up. Some women get uppity about it. Others judge the goodness of their partners like you'd judge the goodness of a golden retriever. Doesn't piddle inappropriately - check. Refrains from sniffing the crotches of houseguests - check. Curls up in front of warm fire, snoring and farting adorably - check. Stinks after it rains - check. Trainable - check. Does domestic tricks for 'tummy' rubs - check.
The men I know are just as complex and flawed and generous and maddening as I am.
The long-suffering martyr wife is a dressing adopted to make women who feel unpowerful feel powerful. It’s rampant on the internet and on TV, and it reveals more about us than it does about them. It positions us as mothers of everyone: of our children as well as their fathers. Here I am again, we crow, teaching this oaf how to Do It My Way. Except that oaf isn't a kid. He's the guy you chose to marry despite his lack of an I Live To Do Things Your Way bumper sticker.
This isn't some kind of male defense. It's also not a scolding of women who'd rather not do all the vacuuming. It's a rejection of the sorority of Men And The Crap They Always Pull (Yuk Yuk Yuk).
When women proclaim Male Pattern Dumbness as if I'm supposed to snort and agree, I pause and think of my sons and the partners they'll encounter. I expect as much kindness for them as I do from them. They are as much kings as any girl would be queen and what that means is all things sensible. If husbands are obligated to behave exactly as we want them to, then we're obligated to offer the same. What would your ideal behaviour be, as defined by the man in your life?
We're grown-ups. We chose our partners -- every aspect of them -- just as they chose us. Everyone compromises. That's why they call it love. Inept men are not foisted upon all of superior womanhood along with an avalanche of dirty socks.
I don’t seek or expect solidarity based on gender. Especially if you say BUT GIRLS NEED TO LOVE EACH OTHER AND BAND TOGETHER AGAINST ALL THOSE KNUCKLE-DRAGGERS BECAUSE OMG THE TOILET SEAT.
I’ll adore you if you crack up at the same things that crack me up.
Like burps-on-demand.
That’s all.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Reader Comments (60)
Also, any cultural trope that keeps Charlie Effing Sheen in work gets the thumbs down from me. I don't like him.
I hope my boys grow to be fair and kind to everyone, shlong or not. And find a wife who is the same. Appreciating and respecting the differences.
On topic: when someone says "oh, you've got him trained!", I'm kind of blown away. "Wh..what? Like... an elephant? At a circus?" It puzzles me, and it has given me this odd perception that a genuine equality in a marriage would ever even exist because Mr. Never Vacuums and Always Leaves the Toilet Seat Up would RUIN EVERYTHING. *This is sarcasm.* Women go out on these big tirades about how they want to be equal to their partners and have the same rights and respect and blah blah blah as their men. I'm not trying to squash division of labour. But it's a little dirty of women to stand up and say "I want 50/50!" and then have expectations that would match a little more along the lines of 95/5.
Now, of course, I'm not married, and my relationship is new, so there's no real experience talking here. But I have every intention not to be a nagger. The guy leaves the toilet seat up? I leave it DOWN all the time. What's the problem? His energy to put it down is very similar to the energy I'd need to put it up (except for gravity being on his side there). I really don't care. And I have a teenage brother. I don't care. Now, if my brother pees on the floor, that's just poor skill and I'm more ashamed that he's not ashamed of himself ;)
I remember making a similar comment on your Feminist Oaf's Manifesto. We all need different things. Maybe he needs to hold the door open. If I deny him of that, I'm being hypocritical. He's denying me of my need for independence? Psh. That's rubbish. Thank you, dear. Hold the door open all you like. Saves me from doing it. I just got my nails done and I'm taking no risks. ;)
So, short story: agreed.
The only bumbling Dad I want to watch is Homer Simpson. Although Sandra Shamas's line, 'My boyfriend's back and there's going to be laundry' does crack me up every time. Am I a traitor to the female race?
Respect goes both ways.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7vtyheqPVU
Kidding.
I think my personal most hated example of this is the cat food commercial where the thin lovely obviously childless woman has a cat that she loves and spoils... except that the "cat" is played by an effete man in a grey turtleneck. SO OFFENSIVE. It drives me nuts.
But yes, I agree, and it is terrible, and I don't want my boys to have low self-esteem because of the way dads / husbands are portrayed on TV. Because we all know what kind of men we get when boys are not raised to feel good about themselves and their abilities; we get the kind of men who think their power comes from their fists, and their anger.
I'm not raising that kind of husband. I AM raising the kind of husband who (I hope) will not assume that housework fairies take care of everything... (I wound up with one of those and am I teaching him that making a home takes everyone in the house? Why yes, I am. But if it were "training" I'd be able to reward him when he does good and whack him on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper when he doesn't.)
Anyway, digression. If only archetypes didn't exist in popular culture. If only we could just see each other as people instead of these weird, outmoded and insulting gender roles. Maybe someday. We can only hope.
I now find myself ensconced in a relationship I have never dreamed could really exist. Mutual encouragement, acknowledgment that we are both terribly flawed human beings, heaping helpings of love, and a total of four little boys between us. Farting and just saying the word penis for fun passes many a hour around this place.
What I find will be my challenge is taking my 10 and 8 year old into my new mindset. Unfortunately the behaviors from my marriage have followed me out of it in the guise of my children. I treat them like their father. They treat me like he did. It's what we all know as how we live. It has to change.
I am hopeful this can happen, but not through proper training. But by leading them through life with a shining example of having dignity in themselves and recognizing the dignity in all others. Of course, I will encourage them to put the toilet seat down, but that is not how I will define the quality of their character. And I hope the future queens in their lives will do the same.
Excellent post. Thank you.
Too bloody right.
And those photos are gorgeous.
It's always the smart housewife who makes fun of her dopey husband...or the hot chick rejecting the geeky guy...
huh. I wonder why advertising has to be like that? It's too bad...paints an unfair picture for men, don't ya think? I have to agree with Brad on that one...usually I try to think of something to argue back...but this time I have to say my husband was right. ha ha.
I also have to agree with Alison about the toilet seat. They put it up and we put it down. Why should they put it down? I just can't stand the pee that misses the toilet! UGH! Then I have to clean it up!! I don't know if it's all men, but I think most don't clean the bathroom, ever! Or at least leave it till there's an ugly brown ring around the toilet or ring around the tub! Ugh!
Oh and I loved your comment about "This one time in a ski patrol hut..." *sigh* Takes me back. Good memories!
And I'm pretty sure that if there's any training going on in our house, the baby is doing it.
Who are we if we willingly accepted a man with all these "faults"? didn't WE decide to PROCREATE with this "oaf"? Think, Think then Speak.
My son will someday choose a girl. I can only hope she sees him for HIM.
I have to be honest -- I've used these stereotypes in my own writing, not because I believe them, but because I believe society believes them. If I write a story about how I leave my socks on the floor, people laugh. But if I told you my reality -- that my wife is pretty sloppy and leaves the dishes on the couch, or that my mother was a mediocre cook, or that my father cleaned up as obsessively as Martha Stewart housewife, people would shake their heads in shame and NOT laugh. It is these stereotypes and expectations that screw us up.
Here's to loving our men, with all their flaws, in all their generosity and complexity.
I do annoying shit.
So does he.
It's not because I'm the chick and he's the dude.
It's because we are humans, living in a set amount of sq. footage together under one roof with two kids and a dog and a cat and 15 years under our belt.
That's why.
PS Um, how did you know about my verbena poop?
Thank you for sticking up for those guys who are more than just oafs...and for the women who love them too. I think I would be totally turned off if that was the way I viewed my husband ... why talk or think that way about the person who is supposed to be your best friend?? And I never knew all my husband was able to accomplish until I got sick these past few months and he had to take care of most EVERYTHING because I was physically unable to. I always had confidence in his abilities, but we are partners and I have my role also. But he showed me how much of a good daddy and husband he can be ... and I am sooooo grateful to have him here with us ... not because I NEED him, but because I WANT him and LOVE him.
It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that he thinks I'm supposed to be his mother. And like it.
I'm raising my son differently so that he won't need to be trained in the arts of just being a Responsible Adult Living Consciously With Others. I would HATE for his significant other to feel like he's a knuckle-dragging child. But, then again, I frequently think, "why don't WE have to be responsible for putting the toilet seat UP for THEM?"
Don't tell my husband I said that.
I think most men I've encountered in life just want the women in their lives to be everything to them as well as cook on a regular basis and perform the occasional blow job (or frequent, actually). From what I see and experience, most men are not their wives' equals when it comes to responsibility in a home and family. At all. It's disgustingly archaic and speaks to the previous generations' beliefs in gender roles, I think. At least that's where I place the blame for all of my nagging-bitchiness.
Thanks for the heads up, Kate. I knew I felt crappy in that situation, but hadn't untangled it quite yet. Sometimes I feel like the driving force is to be part of the group at all costs - even if it means being unfair and just plain shitty to the person who is supposed to be your partner.
p.p.s. My husband brings me hot-water bottles wrapped in fleece cozies when I'm cold, without me having to even ask.
p.p.s my husband can just barely boil eggs
p.p.p.s. I wear ear plugs at night, because after two years of sleep torture via waking baby boy, I can't go without. Now, mostly by the default of *not* wearing earplugs, my man is the nighttime parent - and gets up uncomplainingly whenever our kiddo calls. He regularly assuages my guilty conscience, and tells me, 'It's really not a big deal, honey; I can fall back asleep really quickly, and it always takes you forever.'
... ... ...
p.p.(ad nauseum)s. That last one beats any of the others. Am I right?
My job is to raise responsible men, who know to give and receive respect, and clean bathrooms and kitchens and meal plan and make shopping lists. I also have to remember to raise my daughter to not expect a man to sign on to do things only her way. Different is not a dirty word. Too many of us don't remember that.
-Becky
God knows if men treated us the same way they get treated 'we need to train them' then there would be an awful lot more oral sex in this world.
My other half is pretty awesome and the toilet seat doesn't bother me. I leave it down, why the fuss if he leaves it up?
man, men catch it hard sometimes. my husband is one of the quieter and reserved ones, not brash, not in your face ever, steady and loyal and quite lovely. and sometimes quite frustrating because he is quiet, sometimes hard to contact because he is reserved, sometimes i wish he were 6 inches taller so other men did not misjudge his underlying strengths...but i knew these things when i got in and never ever would i refer to him as trainable, teachable or changeable. that is abhorrent.
what is it with messages these days? that we can change our children, our men, our loves and lives and weight and faces and personas and names by following a link, watching a youtube vid or reading a blog. i mean, yes. and no.
but as always, you somehow use your words to weave and wrap and split open a topic, give it meaning and light and damn, woman, you do it so well.
:) wish you were still on the west side of canada so we could run into you and your boys and man when we are up there. in good time. until then, please keep spewing manifestos...they make my toes tingle.
p.s. will send CD of ambient weird sleep aid musak as soon as i a)find a mac with which to sync my iphone b)find a blank CD c)find that email from you with address. it will happen now that i wrote myself a list.
In every stereotype there is some grain of truth but what gets done to it...... they always embellish and enhance for the chuckle and frisson of recognition.They don't always recognize the danger that reinforcement and emphasis on negative qualities might lead people to believe it is all gospel truth! Thus the tribe of Negative Women (and others) is born!
I do so hate that cultural model of the idiot husband, the martyr wife-we choose them, so nut up or shut up I guess :P
It's the ability to construct poignant, imaginary sentences like this that make my jaw drop and drive me to be a better writer.
And gosh, I will bellow loudly with you that this male-loathing madness must end! It's silly. Of course burping and toilet seat ineptness is annoying. So is adult female temper tantrums when he didn't get our anniversary gift just right and barking *I just need a break* each consecutive 10 minutes after the first bark of the same plea.
Blah.
the stereotype comes from the idea that once a man is domesticated, he's emasculated. he is either whipped into actual feminization, or - if he retains his aura of male furriness - is goofusized into uselessness. either way, the message is, men - steer clear of the domestic realm.
because many men were raised not to do things like laundry for themselves, the stereotype not only perpetuates the idea that they're helpless goofs, it also suggests that really, that work can only be done by women.
and hell, i don't wanna.
I hope I don't fall prey to these boring conversational traps when commiserating with other women.
Love your blog. Love your book!
On this one I'm poking my head out and saying 'Me too!'
For all the 'training' I've given Dustan (if we're gonna use that word), he also has trained me, in countless necessary ways, and I am all the better for it. In fact, if it was any other way, it would be two people kidding themselves.