more ladders than snakes
Two years ago today.
(there is no exit.)
The sign on his incubator says INGLIS TWIN B and Hello! My name is Ben and I realize I have never known despair.
Sixty mornings I turned from the elevator and down this hallway.
Sixty times I had to remind myself it was real.
With finger and thumb, guess at three inches. That is the width of the diaper.
Now imagine changing it.
Two months old, one month away from being considered full-term, and words like beauty and grace have new edges.
He came home at just under five pounds. In the mei tai people would point and gawk openly, unable to believe he was real. That can't be a baby one passerby hissed behind her hand. That's a doll.
Do you ever think to yourself what a glorious thing, I am alive today!
You should. But you don't. Humans are never truly content, because we aspire for more than what we have. And so gratitude is fleeting.
Which is what it is.
With your eyebrows up there, you see, you soak up more good stuff.
Try it.
We almost lost him and yet, I know this now: none of us have time to waste on fear.
It doesn't matter what we believe, where we live, what lines we draw to exclude one another. There is no one alive who does not revel in the fart of a baby.
Get mad, boy! Make heat. Surprise yourself.
We are not defined by the manner of our birth. We grab it and twist it to make us rich.
The night before his party I held him as he drank his milk.
Ben, can you say 'night-night'?
He pauses his gulping. night-night.
I've never heard him say it before, and so I ask him for a favour.
Ben, can you say 'Liam'?
Night-night, Liam
And I cry and there, just there, is gratitude.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Reader Comments (107)
xo
Brad
Feliz Cumpleaños Ben!!
xo
Love you, Liam, and your graceful, blissful, beautiful mama.
The world is sweeter due to both of you and the words your mama shares with us.
Happy Two.
Love,
Me
Happy Birthday to the whole family and especially to that beautiful boy. I'll be back to read about more of your adventures.
what an unbelievable journey your boy has been on in his first two years. he is joy and wonder personified. i shall try to walk through today with my eyebrows up high in honor of you and your sons.
The glory and gratitude come through so deeply in this post. And the pain. And then the hope and love and...well, I could go on and on. You are so lovely with your words, your life.
Amazing.
Happy birthday, to the glorious boy. May he continue to live out loud. With laughter and farts and all the good stuff. A joy and beauty all his own.
And once in a while, a grace-filled gift of what might have been. Night-night, Liam.
Happy Birthday to you all.
and Happy Birthday to beautiful Liam as well, wherever you
are shining today.
Two years- holy smokes.
Kate, thank you for always sharing your journey with us,
and helping us all to see things a little more clearly.
Love love love,
Eve
Happy birthday to Ben. And to Liam.
Great Post!
Happy Birthday, thinking of all your boys today!!
Love Leah and Max
XO
love from our house to yours.
The pictures are beautiful. Only you can make baby farts ring poetic truth.
I'm grateful for you, today. Today. I'm grateful.
Love.
happy birthday ben and liam
Some humans are truly content, try it sometime all readers. Count your blessings and don't let gratitude only be fleeting. Content, not complacent. Alive, not fearing death. Thankful, not greedy for more.