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    « on feeling incendiary, with full disclosure | Main | finally, at last, revealed: the true Canadian soul, and it has nothing whatsoever to do with apple pie »
    Monday
    Dec212009

    prayer of a babylost parent

    May all living beings everywhere, on all planes of existence, known and unknown, be happy, be peaceful, be free from suffering.

    Borrowed from a metta (loving kindness) Buddhist meditation. Hopeful. Sensible. Simple. It doesn't matter how you identify, or what you believe. It's all semantics for this one wish, this desperate want and longing.

    Liam feels distant. That window has closed, the one through which everything sparkled and vibrated with knowing after his death. Life trudges. My time to post comes and goes and I've got very little other than a vague sense of being grateful that people who need this space continue to find it, that the embrace is so vivid.

    I wish you quietness, and the kind of rest that has you wake up feeling calm. And warm feet and glowing embers, and shortbread cookies or latkes and rosy cheeks or whatever sustains you. And tears if you need them, wet and cleansing.

    These words render me mute by being all that matters.

    And so I pass them on, and nod to you.

    +++

    What's your wish?

    This little post is borrowed from Glow in the Woods, a collaborative community which continues to embrace bereaved parents with sensible and entirely cherub-free contemplations on walking again after loss. I add it here because those words might belong to you, too.

    At this time of year we notice those who don't join the table for, yet again, an obscene heap of mashed potatoes among sparkling lights and stockings and a chugging little woodstove. We miss them, don't we? We look out at a blizzard's blanket and no matter how long it's been, grief is still that boomerang that clubs us with disbelief. Grace is noting the ache and sending out that wish, even if it feels unheard.

    It's not unheard. I don't know how, on what plane, or in what capacity. I just know it. We are all accompanied. Mystery. Unexplained strangeness. Phosphorescents. We live among beings that glow electric, swirling and glittering in swell. How can there not be magic? How can we not be heard?

     

    Reader Comments (20)

    Such a peaceful wish against what is harsh and confusing and so damned unknown. I too hold them to me, not knowing what I school of religion I claim or what I believe, but knowing I wish us all the grace of comfort and happiness in whatever forms it finds us. Love to you and all at Glow in the Woods.
    December 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDeb
    I don't really consider those sentiments very Buddhist. Just common sense, written with beautiful words.
    December 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNeil
    Kate, the loss I experienced this year was not my own baby, but a friend's. But still, I can't begin to tell you what a source of strength your words have been for me. Thank you a thousand times for sharing your story, yourself and your boys with all of us.
    December 21, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersteph
    this post is beautiful.
    and perfect.

    for everyone.

    thank you so much, kate.
    i wish all these things back at you :)
    December 21, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterleslie
    Beautiful, Kate. This post, at Glow, made me cry. This post, here, with the added endnote, made me cry more.

    On this darkest day of the year, during my first winter holidays after the death and birth of my baby this summer, I guess my wish is for light. Your words, both here and at Glow, help me to see the light and to have faith that it will return, and I thank you for that.

    (And I'm going to respond over at Glow, too, but when I have more time and am maybe a little less emotional than right now.)
    December 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterErika P
    This is such a lovely post. I come at this fromj a different perspective, a mother, battling cancer, raging at the idea that i will miss out on my daughter growing up. These words resonate, and my eyes fill with tears! thank you. L.
    December 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLia
    Thank you for such a lovely post, Kate.
    December 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMegsie
    i have all sorts of wistful, heartfelt responses that welled up reading, but then i came to your description of Glow as sensible and entirely cherub-free and would've blown coffee out my nose but for the fact that it is after midnight and i am off the caffeine.

    so let me just nod back and say yes, and i quite love you. :)
    December 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBon
    Your writing is amazing.

    We had a very premature baby too.

    I am so sorry for your loss of Liam and hope other bereaved parents (the worst two words in the world) take comfort in your words.
    December 21, 2009 | Unregistered Commenter6512 and growing
    I am, as always, so sorry for your loss and for the untold others' as well. I have to say and hope that I don't presume that this post is so very resonant to me, not the mother of a child who has died but a child who was diagnosed with a severe disability so long ago. There is a loss there that is often unspeakable. Reading your words is profound. Thank you.
    December 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterelizabeth
    I wanted to say thank you.

    Because of you, and Bon, and Niobe, and others at Glow, I don't stumble while comforting mothers and father's suffering this loss. I can actually reach out and be there, help others be there, even if it's as simple as "go to this website-they know, they get it" A friend of VIvian's-her mother has a close friend who's child is dying as I write this, and I urged her with what I knew from all of you.

    So thank you, all of you, and Liam, and all of your little ones. For allowing me the grace and permission of passing on a little peace.
    December 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterthordora
    I hope that you do find the peace that exists in that swirling blizzard outside...
    December 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commentertracey
    that last paragraph moved me. it's true: we are heard. it is a mystery.

    remembering you at this time. remembering so many. (too many.)

    ciao,
    rpm
    December 24, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterred pen mama
    Yes- this is the truth. A warm and peaceful New Year to you Kate and all of your loved ones!
    December 25, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterstarrlife
    your words always carry such a gem-like quality when i read them.

    sending thoughts of happy holiday moments your way. my wish? to meet you in nyc next year if we both make it.
    December 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermamie
    you're goddamned right.
    as always.

    it is grace that liam's life should bring you more warmth now, and not just that downward spiral of pain in memory.

    love and peace and light to you, mama, always.
    December 29, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterpnuts mama
    I'm still reading Kate, and your words are still true and sustaining.

    I'm remembering you, and Liam, in these dark, cold winter days, from far away Missouri.
    December 31, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLiza (Elizabeth)
    I wish you and your family, on all levels of being, a Happy New Year. I am honored to know someone with so much wisdom and generosity.
    January 1, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterstarrlife
    I spent a year working with bereaved parents and siblings at a place called Willow House in Illinois. I love your "entirely cherub free" description, because grieving people are so freely served up platitudes by well-meaning people- people who don't know better.

    I feel ever grateful for my experience to learn from these families, to learn to just be there, because sometimes there are no words.

    p.s. I come via maggie
    January 1, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterann's rants
    This is the bit that resonated most for me: "That window has closed, the one through which everything sparkled and vibrated with knowing after his death." I feel that so much. Ordinariness can be so tough, and in a small way I miss those days when everything was so heightened, values so clarified, love and friendships so out in the open.

    I guess it's a testament to the strength of the human spirit that we can go through such agonies over the loss of our baby son and yet, much later on (10 years in my case) return to 'normal', but to be honest I don't really like normal.
    January 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJoanna

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