prayer of a babylost parent

May all living beings everywhere, on all planes of existence, known and unknown, be happy, be peaceful, be free from suffering.
Borrowed from a metta (loving kindness) Buddhist meditation. Hopeful. Sensible. Simple. It doesn't matter how you identify, or what you believe. It's all semantics for this one wish, this desperate want and longing.
Liam feels distant. That window has closed, the one through which everything sparkled and vibrated with knowing after his death. Life trudges. My time to post comes and goes and I've got very little other than a vague sense of being grateful that people who need this space continue to find it, that the embrace is so vivid.
I wish you quietness, and the kind of rest that has you wake up feeling calm. And warm feet and glowing embers, and shortbread cookies or latkes and rosy cheeks or whatever sustains you. And tears if you need them, wet and cleansing.
These words render me mute by being all that matters.
And so I pass them on, and nod to you.
+++
What's your wish?
This little post is borrowed from Glow in the Woods, a collaborative community which continues to embrace bereaved parents with sensible and entirely cherub-free contemplations on walking again after loss. I add it here because those words might belong to you, too.
At this time of year we notice those who don't join the table for, yet again, an obscene heap of mashed potatoes among sparkling lights and stockings and a chugging little woodstove. We miss them, don't we? We look out at a blizzard's blanket and no matter how long it's been, grief is still that boomerang that clubs us with disbelief. Grace is noting the ache and sending out that wish, even if it feels unheard.
It's not unheard. I don't know how, on what plane, or in what capacity. I just know it. We are all accompanied. Mystery. Unexplained strangeness. Phosphorescents. We live among beings that glow electric, swirling and glittering in swell. How can there not be magic? How can we not be heard?
Monday, December 21, 2009 in
spirit-baby motherhood










Reader Comments (20)
and perfect.
for everyone.
thank you so much, kate.
i wish all these things back at you :)
On this darkest day of the year, during my first winter holidays after the death and birth of my baby this summer, I guess my wish is for light. Your words, both here and at Glow, help me to see the light and to have faith that it will return, and I thank you for that.
(And I'm going to respond over at Glow, too, but when I have more time and am maybe a little less emotional than right now.)
so let me just nod back and say yes, and i quite love you. :)
We had a very premature baby too.
I am so sorry for your loss of Liam and hope other bereaved parents (the worst two words in the world) take comfort in your words.
Because of you, and Bon, and Niobe, and others at Glow, I don't stumble while comforting mothers and father's suffering this loss. I can actually reach out and be there, help others be there, even if it's as simple as "go to this website-they know, they get it" A friend of VIvian's-her mother has a close friend who's child is dying as I write this, and I urged her with what I knew from all of you.
So thank you, all of you, and Liam, and all of your little ones. For allowing me the grace and permission of passing on a little peace.
remembering you at this time. remembering so many. (too many.)
ciao,
rpm
sending thoughts of happy holiday moments your way. my wish? to meet you in nyc next year if we both make it.
as always.
it is grace that liam's life should bring you more warmth now, and not just that downward spiral of pain in memory.
love and peace and light to you, mama, always.
I'm remembering you, and Liam, in these dark, cold winter days, from far away Missouri.
I feel ever grateful for my experience to learn from these families, to learn to just be there, because sometimes there are no words.
p.s. I come via maggie
I guess it's a testament to the strength of the human spirit that we can go through such agonies over the loss of our baby son and yet, much later on (10 years in my case) return to 'normal', but to be honest I don't really like normal.