finally, at last, revealed: the true Canadian soul, and it has nothing whatsoever to do with apple pie

It all started with a trip to one of those monstrous public pools with the fake island and the flutter boats and the kiddie section that's a solid 15 degrees warmer than the lanes and the deep end. (NOT A WORD.)

It was just Ben and I, a date, and for two hours he jumped and splashed and squealed and had an all around most-amazing-ever time. To the point where every time we leave the house, he picks up his indispensible, commercially repugnant, beloved Lightning McQueen Johnny Suit With Built-In Muscle-Shaped Floatation Device and starts whimpering We go swimming? Swimming. Swimming? Swimming? Mama? Swimming? Swimming? Swimming. Swimming? Mama? Mama? Mama. Mama? Swimming. Swimming. Swimming? Swimming? Swimming. We go. Swimming? Swimming? Swimming? (EXCERPT)

As is natural in all Canadian cities the place where you go to recline underneath fake palm trees is the same place with a giant billboard that says HOCKEY TOWN. Not SWIM TOWN or FAKE PLASTIC TREES TOWN or FOAM NOODLE TOWN or 'DON'T WORRY THE CHLORINE KILLS THE TODDLER PEE' TOWN. Oh no. What counts is the zamboni, friends, and the rest is the dressing of windows.

Trailing a chemical steam, hair still wet, my youngest baby and I toddled next door, beckoned by the smack of pucks and the shriek of whistles. We opened the door and marvel! HOCKEY PLAYERS. We chose a bench, alone but for the team and its coach, and we sat entranced, heads on swivels. They were choreographed voodoo, skates sweeping the ice, sudden outbursts of sprints and laps and slapshots. Every time someone would score we'd (quietly) yell SCORE! and every time someone would get deflected we'd (quietly) yell GOOD SAVE! and every time someone would miss we'd (quietly) yell obscenities. I explained, and he listened. And we sat. And sat. And sat.

Finally, pitch black outside at 5:00, we toddled back along the arena deck and before going back through the doors to the parking lot, he turned around and (not quietly) yelled BYE HOCKEY PLAYAS.

+++

The earth wobbles on its axis. Butterflies pause. Newborn puppies startle. Change is afoot in the 8 PM department.

ULTIMATE LULLABY CHAMPIONSHIPS, 3rd PLACE: FOR PERVERTS ONLY*

Enter the underdog of recent fame, slipping from its first-place spot.

*worth watching all the way through.

ULTIMATE LULLABY CHAMPIONSHIPS, 2nd PLACE: UNMOCKABLE PERFECTION

Enter the throat-choking stuff of NICU legend, the standby.

ULTIMATE LULLABY CHAMPIONSHIPS, 1st PLACE: BENCH-CLEARING BRAWL

Enter the new champion of bedtime's peace, the classic that appeals in the depraved, not remotely deep or dark but actually kind of close-to-the-surface part of every Canadian's soul.

In a great flash this morning it occurred to me to search for the proper lyrics and before I knew it Ye Olde YouTube delivered us 100% authentic, verifiable Stompin' Tom. Enjoy. Add it to your own 8 PM repertoire. Learn each word with reverence. Deliver with gusto. Think fondly of Canadian thuggery. Share this archival, cross-cultural footage with your own impressionable loved ones. Borrow this accompaniment for the under-5 set: THEY'RE JUST HUGGING and THEY'RE JUST REALLY, REALLY HAPPY and THAT ONE GUY IS HELPING THE OTHER GUY WHO HAS AN ITCH ON HIS NOSE. Employ at will.

Comments

[thordora]

I do not like you for the Stompin Tom. My Grade 8 teacher was OBSESSED with him. When you're 13, Stompin Tom=HELL. :P

That's so cute. I miss that age. Well, sorta. Not really.

[Hannah]

"That one guy is helping that other guy who has an itch on his nose??!?!"

And that's why you're a published author. Because I've been avoiding taking Isaac to a hockey game because I didn't want to try and explain the fighting.

The lullaby around these parts since Isaac was an infant is Stan Rogers' "Northwest Passage". Also Canadian to the extreme.

Love this story. What pool was it? Sounds like something I should be checking out with the boys.

[Kelly]

To be my own mountain, Kate. That is it. For me. Your posts make me smile.

[Erika P]

I love hockey (and Dan Zanes and Stan Rogers) but I'm not Canadian. (Sometimes I'd like to be though.) I recently took my three-year-old son to his first hockey game - University of Massachusetts Amherst vs Boston College, complete with rude fans (as the opposing team is introduced, the UMass students yell "sucks" after each name), and a fight (it's college, so the penalties are handed out swiftly, and my son noticed that the players who hit other players were given "a time out in that little box, Mommy, look, over there.") He loved it, too, and is raring to go to another one.

This whole post just made me smile, too.

[N.]

Tee hee hee. I bet I know the place! We too do the same thing. Swimming and then "OCKEY!" as my 2 year old calls it! He is just dying to get out there on the ice, and everything in the house is magically transformed into a "ockey" stick and puck. Only in Canada! ;)

[Kirstin]

I don't care about hockey and I'm not Canadian--but I love your writing and I envy your healthcare.

[Margarita]

I suppose I'm a faux-Canadian, not born here but raised since i was 2. My daughter on the other hand adores it whenever hockey is played on tv. She'll be 4 in January.

[Carol]

Oh man, as you probably know, talking about the Canucks is pretty equivalent to talking about the weather. Everyone seems to know what is up with them and how they did in their last game.

I've always liked hockey in a patriotic kind of way, but I don't follow it, which makes me odd man out.

LOVE Stompin' Tom, though. Not something I would listen to in the car, but his voice, from the East Coast accent down to the old familiar song just sounds like coziness.

[elizabeth]

I wish that I were on an island of stromboli.

[Carol]

I also meant to say that when I have children I want to sing "Baby Mine" to them. That scene in Dumbo always makes me cry...

[Bon]

me, i don't even like hockey. but i do like the Hockey Song. it's my nod to teaching my son to be a man in Canada. :)

but i'd still rather he sang about it than played. his father, on the other hand, has IDEAS. :)

[maggie may]

wacky wonderlands.

[:-) from minneapolis]

All through the very northern usa (hocky belt) we have community centers with indoor swimming pools on one side, hocky rinks on the other. If it's not hocky then i'ts open skating. Love to watch the littlest skaters scooting around by holding onto straight chairs. Makes me happy to think of you doing this.

[Aina]

Thank you thank you for the Dan Zanes. Absolutely beautiful video and wonderful song.

[mosey along]

Sigh. Just backstepping through your blog... this makes me homesick in the strangest way.