the real reason vegetarians get knickers in knots
Tofu will make your dick fall off.
Tofu will make you senile.
A gumby doll made of tofu will enter through unsecured doors and seduce your teenaged daughter and, despite his withered schmeckle, knock her up with agedashi-gumby babies who will have to sleep marinated in cribfulls of Korean barbeque sauce.
This week our community paper printed an article that shrieked breathlessly of our collective doom at the hand of the ‘seemingly innocuous soybean’, claiming among other things that the more tofu you eat, the higher degree of cognitive impairment and brain deterioration you will experience later in life. This ‘potent legume’, contests the article, is not a nutrient but a drug, and only good for celibate monks seeking to subdue their libido.
And so that’s it. I’ve had it. I’ve officially been catapulted from the Constantly Mocked But More Or Less Inoffensive Vegetarian Who Keeps To Herself And Does Not Rise To Being Baited to the caricature that everyone loves to hate.
(sidenote: it occurs to me that hostile vegephobia is akin to homophobia in that those most vehemently offended by non-meat-eaters are the ones most likely to harbour a closeted discomfort with meat consumption. Or perhaps a closeted fetish to be hog-tied and forced to lick miso paste off the sole of a vegan’s hemp sneaker. I digress.)
Reading the paper in the car I nearly drove Justin off the road with my sputtering rage at seeing such poorly researched, ignorant and irresponsible paranoia in print.
Christ on a cracker, will you put that damn paper away he said. Besides, LOOK AT YOU. You’re wearing BIRKENSTOCKS and you just said yourself that you KIND OF STINK.
++++
You can make a stir-fry of baby lambs and golden retriever puppies every night. I don’t mind. Our cult headquarters only awards ten bucks for every convert. You’re not worth the effort.
But it has to be said. Soy is a BEAN. It is neither magic nor toxic. Tofu, tempeh and miso are natural foods eaten plentifully by gazillions of people for hundreds of years. Highly processed soy is in highly processed foods. Highly processed foods turn your innards into a festering sludgepond. The more frankenfood and factory food and microwaveable ‘lean cuisine’ you shovel unthinkingly into your trap (caution: may cause rectal seepage), the less good you’ll feel and be.
Read ingredient lists. If anything sounds more chemical than food-based, don’t eat it. Make stuff yourself. It’s NOT THAT HARD. Only feed Scooby-Doo Alpha Getti to your children once it has been confirmed that no one from your blog is watching.
Google ‘dangers of soy’ and the cyber superhighway will oblige you with enough fear, uncertainty and doubt to keep you bobbing happily in that giant vat of corned beef hash without a care in the world for the rest of your life.
Likewise, google ‘dangers of cabbage’ or ‘dangers of public yoga after cabbage consumption’ and you’ll get the very same.
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Why does becoming a vegetarian elicit more outrage and mockery than becoming a stripper? How do vegetarian strippers get through life without going batshit crazy?
Why does anyone care what anyone else eats?
Never mind. I think I already know the answer. Do you?
Monday, September 29, 2008
Reader Comments (63)
I think you hit the nail on the head though, Kate, when you said that it's most likely the guilt that people feel about their own consumption habits. I do eat a moderate amount of meat (although I do eschew the golden retriever-lo mein), but I also try to be aware of where my food comes from and what happens on its way to my kitchen. I don't treat what I eat like a guilty pleasure, I don't eat mindlessly, and as a grownup, I'm well aware that there are lots of other points of view that can all be considered perfectly valid.
I have been troubled in the past by how eagar people seem to be to tell other people how and what to eat. There was considerable discussion earlier this year on Mark Bittman's blog at the NY Times regarding the point of view that poor people should be planting gardens and reducing their consumption of everything else. Interestingly enough, most of the poor people I know live in apartments, not 12-acre farms, and don't have a lot of free time for growing organic heirloom lettuces and raising free-range chicken.
Anyway, well-said. Thanks.
can't do miso either, even with the hub loving it. Blech.
I'm trying! For you I try! But, FAIL.
Yes, Vegetarianism inspires incredible anger in others, it seems. Perhaps, like most unconventional lifestyles or choices, it causes others to question their own values? And sometimes what we see is hard to swallow. Ba-da-bum!
Off to eat some Tofurkey "fa-con" wraps...
We have a whole bunch of farmers living in our area (lots of hog barns and grain fields). So we don't usually use the 'cruelty to animals' argument, we tend to fall on the 'diet for a small planet' end of the vegetarian spectrum. I've never really debated with people who eat a lot of meat, but I wonder what argument they'd be more receptive to. I honestly have no idea.
Sorry, I couldn't resist. Just yankin yer chain.
For humor, I am in the DEEP south, with a "we have actually roasted pig on our own spit" type of family. My cousin married a Jewish, New York animal rights activist/musician/vegan. Another cousin came to the family get together with a baby chick for Easter that she let her 2 year old handle any way she wanted. Needless to say the poor guy almost leapt out of his animal loving skin, you had to be there but the chick was alright and I am still chuckling :) We all still like each other though, differences can be fun albeit uncomfortable at times.
And if you are an omnivore who hangs with vegetarians, vegans, a raw foodist here and there, then at one time or another you will get the feeling that you are being judged harshly with your own choices. Funny to me that to my "mainstream" friends I'm seen as the fruitcake nutcase who gives too much of a shit about high fructose processed hydrogenated stuff and to my veggie head friends I'm seen as Mrs. Willy Wonka with sugar water running through my veins.
And that's ok, because I think they are all crazy and only I know how to do it all right.
I like meat. I like tofu. But I guess I'm funny that way.
Just don't come to my house and complain about what I eat, and I won't complain at yours! Right?
But then, I've come to believe people need to fight about something and if you're too nice and sweet and unassuming, then they might as well attack your plate. Sorry people, but I haven't the time.
Thanks for the giggle, Kate!
;) The other day at a chamber of commerce lunch meeting, a woman who literally has to be 300+ pounds was lecturing my coworker because he doesn't take pills for borderline high cholesterol. "You ain't concerned about yer health?" she lectured. His plate was filled with grilled fish and green beans. Hers had fried popcorn shrimp, french fries, and two brownies.
Interessant, no?
Speaking of baby lambs, I can still recall my husband's fear and tiny "shhh, stop it" headshakes to the salesguy selling him a leather coat, when the guy kept emphasizing over and over that the jacket was exquisitely soft because it was made from the youngest of baby lambs. Hubby was afraid that I was going to throttle the guy, or worse yet, launch into a tirade about animal rights!
I love the "stink a bit" line.
...but be kind. I live in the country, in a house filled with hackmatack floors, and the only other option for warmth next to the fire (other than crocs, which is my personal threshold) is this kind of birkenstocks, my first pair:
http://www.softmoc.com/ca/systemshow-item_I060983
They're not too hippie, I swear. Or maybe they are. Maybe I'm in so deep that my armpits are hairy and I don't even know it. :)
This is my theory. Most people who eat meat knows what goes on at these factories but live by the "ignorance is bliss" motto. Then when they get around vegetarians they feel like we are thinking "ugh, they are disgusting for eating that" and think they need to justify themselves.
In the same way I wouldn't push my beliefs on someone, I wouldn't want to push vegetarianism onto someone.
(sorry this comment is so long but this subject really hit home)
P.S.
"Christ on a cracker?" LOVE it....let your husband know I'm going to use that from now on and if he wants to charge me for the rights then I'm fine with setting up a payment plan for every time I use it.
Treat yourself to the vegetarian sushi at Doraku on Dresden Row one of these days. We can't afford it — even though it's cheap — but we can't stay away.
But don't tell anyone. We don't want it to get too popular.
To be honest, I don't think anything is safe to eat these days. The water has rocket fuel in it and the air, don't get me started. Let's just leave each other to die in peace, 'k?
All that to say, a healthy vegetarian diet is probably not one to include a lot of processed foods so as long as you don't use it in every meal as your sole source of protein you're probably okay! ;)
I agree with others that it more about eating processed foods than eating soy or tofu. vegetarian solidarity, sister!!
No one really makes fun of it out here anymore although I do get the odd query about pecsetarian (a vegetarian who still eats fish and seafood). Time to move back out to the West Coast, where meat eaters are guilt-ridden for their footprint factor, and often apologize to me for continuing to eat meat. And come on, Birkenstocks are a basic essential of life on the island!
Nice post.
A little late but it is still the 29th!!
We owe you a night on the town.
love Mom and Dad
Veg on!
all of it.
i couldn't agree more. and even though i used to be a vegetarian for nearly a decade but now eat meat, it doesn't matter, none of it does, like you said, what's anyone care? and i couldn't agree more.
public yoga + cabbage consumption = my sides splitting in laughter. thanks for the smile.
It's not just you and me eating. It's about how our choices affect the oceans, rain forests, farmers, grocers and food processors. Who is able to keep their farm and who loses their market? Which species are brought to extinction by our desires? What effects do pesticides have on farm workers? Do we want a world in which agriculture is dominated by GM organisms and large corporations? The answer to all of these questions can be at least partly found on our plates. Food is a controversial issue and as we all are eaters it affects us every day.
Our favorite used to be Milamodo — like so many great Asian restaurants, it's located in a (Rockingham) strip mall — but its now been eclipsed by Doraku.
I remember my Dad's face when my brother told him he had decided to eat a vegan diet. My brother may as well have told him he (my bro) had liver cancer and was going to tattoo Rainbow Brite on his face and move to the Moon where he planned to operate a pot farm.
Personally, I am so consumed with trying to figure out how to keep my own body healthy and my daughters from consuming 6 cups of sugar, daily, that I don't have the energy to be concerned with what my neighbors are snacking on. I was, however, sincerely concerned about what my neighbor in my Pilates class ate for lunch, when she started having audible, funky gas during some of the more compromising positions.
PS-Happy anniversary.
I have been a total vegan-vegetarian since i was 11 (i am now 33). My choice, but not my families 1st choice in "what i want my daughter to become".
I have been teased for my choice by my entire family since the day i made the choice. I have been "tricked" several times (but did not fall for it) by my sister and brother and even my mother to "try a bite of this, you'll love it!" and it was full of meat. They purposely put meat in all of their cooked meals so i can not eat it. I mean, who puts ground beef in a salad?!
They think i am the strangest person to ever be in their family because i do not eat meat. I embarrass my mom when her friends offer me meat and i decline by saying, "no thanks, i do not eat meat." My mom gets so upset by this, it's like i'm saying, "no thanks i only eat with my toes" or something! lol
The world is an odd place. It's only meat...i do not see what is so strange about not wanting to eat it! I mean, they wouldn't eat their cat's...so why eat the neighbors cow? lol
and Tofu, all i can say is THANK GOD for tofu! Once i got out on my own in life at the age of 17 and was made aware of the plenties of goodies for people like myself (non-meat eaters) life was so much better. :o)
thanks for the wonderful blog entry!
*peace*
Michele Blue
Our fridge is full of soy - miso, tofu, tempeh, tamari and fresh beans most of the time. I try to steer clear of soy lecithin (difficult sopmetimes as it is everywhere), hydrolyzed soy protein and oils.
The European Union has a number system for all the permitted nasty things, and some not so bad, added to our food. There are often four or more E-numbers listed in the ingredients of even the most basic foods sometimes. That is a far more terrifying realisation than anything to do with soy.
Shhhhh! Don't tell anybody, but my Birkenstocks are 14 years old and so comfortable....but they do stink. David "won't let me" wear them out of the house.
I commend you for eating so well. We unfortunately live in a world of convenience. If it takes more than five minutes in the microwave don't cook it. If you dare to actually take time to cook fresh foods there HAS to be something wrong with you....you must be a FOOD SNOB.
Since having kids I have started reading labels....it has only taken me 33 years to begin this activity. I have begun buying organic even though my husband rolls his eyes at me for doing so. I may spend all day in my kitchen, but I sure feel good when I see my kids eating healthy food without a laundry list of chemicals in them.