...and he speaks

With this picture my heart lurched with love for Ben, propelling up and up and up, and then it slowed and hung suspended, switched directions and fell, reeling at what we lost in Liam, that there would have been two just like this.

Ahh yes, there it is, said my head. There’s that hole in your chest again, the wind howling through it and out the other side. Hello, hole.

I love you too, Liam I said to the room.

I’m busy and good said a voice.

I hope so I replied, glum.

Doesn’t matter if you hope said the voice, all matter-of-fact and exasperated like a teenager demanding the car keys. All that’s here is here whether you hope for it or not.

Hmph. He’s snarky and I smile, and he knows it.

(Hello, hole.)

++++

Next up? Puppies in soft-focus. Warm cookies and crackling fires. The adventures of Mr. Nobody, he who lives in Nowhereland, courtesy of Evan, my heart. Maybe another plunge into the basketcase. Something so when husbands ask wives what they’re reading they can say it’s a blog all about steak and boobies and the fellas will say hey, I didn’t know blogs could be, you know, COOL.

Comments

[Nadia]

I just started reading your blog and really enjoy it. Your little boy is beautiful! I am sorry about your son and the pain you feel. You really are a beautiful writer.

[sweetsalty kate]

Thank you so much Nadia, that's very kind, and hello. :)

[steph]

Cheeky bugger that Liam.

[thordora]

Sounds like his mother....

[mnkathy]

You make me chortle every time you say, "steak and boobies."

I'm so glad you can call Liam up from time to time and smile. Your photos are so beautiful, just like those boys. The way you capture their essence is really amazing to me.

Thanks for sharing this.

[camerashymomma]

i love your basketcase. it gets the creative juices flowin.

[Melody]

Thank you for this glimpse into your heart and soul. It's beautiful, poignant, refreshing, and simply poetic. I'd send you a hundred cyber hugs if I thought you needed them, but I can see that you probably get plenty of squishy toddler hugs already.

[emily]

Yeah, for the Basketcase.

You should post some more vintage pics of you in Halloween costumes. Those will make the hubbies stop for a second. :)

[janis]

"All that’s here is here whether you hope for it or not."

How true, how true....

Such a beautiful, sparkling post Kate. xoxo

[Yatima]

The thing I can't forget about Liam is that he sneezed. He sneezed. That desperately injured brain, working so very hard to be whole.

He clearly gets it from you...

[Jo]

Hugs of the grandest kind, and hot chocolate delivered to your door. I can only imagine the not-often-spoken-of-but-acutely-felt want of your Boy who isn't with you, present in those photographs. Ben is edibly cute - for whatever it may be worth: I am so glad he's yours. XO

[leenie]

all three of your boys seem so fierce and funny. i have a momma crush on all of em.

[ellen]

I recently happened upon your blog and am enjoying your thoughts and photos. I lost a son at birth. Had he lived he would have been 19 this year. I do have an amazing 17 yr. old daughter and 15 yr. old twins(b/g), but hardly a day passes that I don't wonder what their older brother would think of them.

Thank you for your honest and beautiful posts.

[Gal]

They always come back to visit when we are wondering where they went, don't they? Sometimes I wonder if they aren't all - all the dead babies - hanging out together and having such a laugh about us sorry dreary ones left behind... Kind of a cute picture.

[sarah]

glad you heard from your guy :)

[MereMortal]

Oh, that hole.
Perhaps it reminds you - burst open as it is - how vast your love is. How deep your connection is to Liam and your boys. How to remember that light pores through holes too.
That hole is LIam's vortex.
xoxo

[LaskiGal]

PROOF. Blogs can be cool

And beautiful. Sweet, adorable, perfect Ben. With warm cookies and a crackling fire. And image that makes me grin.

Oh, and the puppies. Everyone needs a puppy . . .

[Hannah]

For what it's worth, my hubby thinks you're a sweetheart, although I'm sure a post about steak and boobies would increase your street cred just that little bit more.

Is Mr. Nowhere related to Mr. Nobody? As in, "who made this mess in your room, Isaac?" - "Nobody did". He's the bane of my existence, that Mr. Nobody. ;)

[Bobbie]

Ben is absolutely gorgeous. Can't imagine how that hole must feel but your Liam sounds like a cheeky little one.

[Julie]

I love it,Kate: 'all matter-of-fact and exasperated like a teenager demanding the car keys.' I know just what you're talking about.

You have such handsome, wonderful, loving boys. They have such a sparkle of wit and smarts about them.

[Mad]

We're approaching a long cold winter and an artificially cheery holiday. That has to open up holes in the heart.

[bokker]

Crashing in, to say that I think it's so important for those who have lost someone (lost themselves, really), to have a voice and to know that someone KNOWS. It's not creepy. It's vital. I haven't lost a child, but your writing speaks to me.

When my little sister died suddenly I spent hours trawling the internet looking for these voices. And now I write about my sister and all the messiness of grief and loss freely and without worrying about being the Creepy Blog. I'll segue from steak to sibling loss, and maybe on to boobies, without a second thought. Because writing is my medium (that is, I love it and it helps me and I can express myself much better in writing than in speech), and if I can get words out there, which someone might read and know that somebody else understands the place they're in, then that's good enough for me.

Also, I think you would be interested in a non-fiction book called If The Spirit Moves You, by Justine Picardie. Her sister died and the book explores the kind of things you explore on this blog, to do with spirituality and the big questions- where are they? And so on.
Throughout, she talks to her sister the way you talk to Liam in your posts.

[elisa]

I found your blog a while ago and ended up reading all about Liam and crying my guts out. Seriously. Guts. On the floor. Messy. But what I love even more is reading about how you get through the pain and still see the goodness in life. Especially when that goodness includes what was lost. I couldn't read anymore without saying Hi, and thanks for writing. It's beautiful.

[KYouell]

From now on I am telling my husband that ALL blogs I read are about steaks and boobies. It's too good a line not to use.

[crazymumma]

boobies and beer AND steak.

I have a puppy. He is helping to fill some holes in my heart. Wanna come over? His ears smell like love.

[Sally]

Hi Kate
I've stopped by before but I'm still relatively new here. I just want to thank you for being such a shining light on this path we are walking. I'm a long way behind you, but I can see you up ahead. I can see your light, and I'm following as best I can. I wanted to say how lovely your boys are. Ben and Evan full of life, and Liam, as a beautiful spirit, watching over his family and peeking his head through the hole you describe, every so often. Makes me want to rush out and by and SLR camera and take a photography course! I have that much spare time on my hands now, I just might do that. So I can hopefully capture some precious moments like this when my next child graces this earth. Peace & love to you Kate.
Sally

[trish @ spiritofplace]

sending hugs and virtual hot chocolate because I'm thinking of you and wish I knew what else I could say that might help!

As for boobies - sometimes I wonder if they'll ever have the same appeal for my husband again after two long spells of breastfeeding.. Or maybe the fact that they're off limits right now (I really don't need my husband stimulating let down!) will make them more exciting...

[Jen]

Hugs, sweet Kate. Ben...leaves me speechless all the time. How handsome he is.

[Woman in a Window]

No wonder your heart lurched. Mine did and I was just all lurchy from his beauty.

As to steak and boobies, the steak sounds good.

[Marika]

I linked to your blog today--I was too afraid to do it three months ago, when my girlfriend sent me your link. I lost a child, too, but have buried it pretty deep, and I certainly don't write about it. Thank you for being courageous enough.

[Hammy]

I'm finding that just when you think you've dealt with the latest blow from the Universe, either another follows, or your visceral memory elicits a physical flashback.

I wrote something a long time ago that went something like:
"My body is whole, yet I cannot speak; pain suffuses my spirit."

Sometimes, its only tenacity that keeps you in the game, eh? Take care Kate....

[Amanda]

Doesn't matter what you are writing about, the sincerity, ache and wry humor come through as clear as if it were in life and not on a screen. Perhaps that gift is part of the visits, an authenticity and openness that transcends most anything.

Truly beautiful, as per usual.