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T-minus zero

Sometimes I reach down and touch the incision: still painful, queeby numbness. It will never let me forget that night.

This purple bump-strip is the remains of a nightmare. But then… sacred, too.

Liam was here
Ben is here
They passed through here, their opening.

And I sigh and think well, it just is.

+++++++++++

Three months ago to right now I was shopping for maternity clothes in a fit of nothing-fits desperation. Three months ago this afternoon I came home to find an excavator in the backyard, digging the hole that would become the two extra bedrooms we’d need for two extra boys. Three months ago tonight I sat with a heating pad on my back, unknowingly breathing through contractions, crying in frustration that I just wasn’t tough enough to bear twins.

You know how the rest goes.

I just can’t believe it’s only been three months, the lifetime we’ve lived since then.

Today was Ben and Liam’s due date, and tomorrow is Ben’s birthday. His age is now comprised of an adjusted slash: three months / zero. The milestone countdown begins now. Six weeks to a smile, that’s the one I’m hungriest for.

A measly three months. And I’m ten times the mama I was before by measure of both darkness and light.

+++++++++++

After a long, long night:

Justin: Can I do anything to help?
Kate: You could lactate.
Justin: I’ll do my best.
Kate: I’d buy a ticket to see that.
Justin: Would you give my performance two nipples up?
Kate: I wish my nipples could point up.
Justin: <long, contemplative pause> I wish… I wish… I didn’t have… hair on my back?
Kate: I love you.
Justin: I know.


Posted on Friday, August 3, 2007 by Registered Commentersweetsalty kate in | Comments42 Comments

Reader Comments (42)

I'd give this post 2 nipples up. If that was possible.Or even three, if I was 'different'.
August 4, 2007 | Unregistered Commenter...BeccaLynn
Happy due date, Kate. You've come a long way, baby.
August 4, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterannie
This line stopped me in my tracks:

And I sigh and think well, it just is.

You're a strong woman, Kate.



August 4, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterslouchingmom
I love you--I know I don't know you, but this post, for some reason, brought up a well of love--so I thought I'd pass it on.
August 4, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterlorien
A life-time lived in three months, indeed. Three months seems like an eternity ago and just yesterday in my world. This post is excellent; your words tell it like it is. Bittersweet, in so many respects.

I look down at my stomach and see the evidence of three babies, 3.5 years of pregnancy, and it makes me feel so many things. Your description of your c-section incision might just stay with me forever.

Hugs - Ben looks great.
August 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJoanna
it is, it just is...yes. and you are ten times the mama, and you slay me every time with your words.

happy due date.
August 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBon
Happy Due Date, indeed. I think you are an amazing mother; full of grace, strenght, and love. Thank you for letting us share your journey.
August 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJazz
I can't wait for you to photograph Ben's smile and share it with us! You know, it just might come before 6 weeks from now. You never know.
August 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAlison (in OH)
Happy birthday to Ben, a day early. Three months. He has done so much in three months. I will never think of him as zero.
August 4, 2007 | Unregistered Commentercanape
he does, you know.
August 4, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterflutter
Not like any other three months will ever be. And yes, it just is. I don't have a scar, and sometimes I wish for it, for a physical connection. But that too just is.

August 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJuliaKB
Three months is a lifetime.
August 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLawyerMama
first of all, THANK YOU THANK YOU for pics of Ben. second, that quilt IS AMAZING i need 5 of them, on for me, on for my son, one more for me, one for my new born, a back up for me in case i lose one, and a full quilt! it is gorgeous!
August 4, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterwilddreemer
"...painful, queeby numbness," is one of the best descriptions I've heard.



August 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSyndi
Hey wilddreemer - in case you missed it on the flickr stream, the quilts can be found at http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5144309 - and while I was there, I found more, and WANT MORE too... like this rocker quilt: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=5948809

How cool is that?? The fabrics are really funky, too, up close - she does a great job, and her prices are totally reasonable given the craftsmanship. Just thought I'd pass it on.
August 4, 2007 | Unregistered Commentersweetsalty kate
Okay, the rocker quilt has been trumped. Evan may well get Funki Munki for christmas:http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=6433308
August 4, 2007 | Unregistered Commentersweetsalty kate
Ben is a miracle. For a baby to be born three months early and yet now be as healthy (and BIG) as Ben is simply a miracle.
August 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterGranny Barbo
The whole "adjusted age" thing is so weird. I got so tired of saying, "She's X age, but she's really X age minus 3 months." Then the whole conversation of "oh, she was premature? Why?" "Well, she was actually a twin. Have you heard of twin-to-twin-transfusion syndrome?" Most of the time I don't get into the detailed explanation, but I guess being the pathologically honest person I am, it feels somewhat deceptive to either adjust the age or even to NOT adjust the age. And to not explain about her sister, Peyton, seems to dishonor her existence. At the cusp of age three (not adjusted), I'm finally getting over having to subtract three months. Nicole's birthday is the day she came into the world so it's now become her age. But I still think about her original due date all the time, especially since it would put her a year later in school.

And yes, "queeby numbness" is a perfect description. It doesn't seem to go away either, but it's only been 16 months since my boys were born so I'm still holding out on gaining back some sensation.

Thanks for posting the pictures of adorable Ben. Happy Due Date!
August 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLisa George
Adding my Happy Due Date to the pile! You are 100 times the momma, girl. :)
August 4, 2007 | Unregistered Commentertulip
happy everything to you and your sweet family kate. thanks for being so welcoming to us all -- we're out here cheering for you. xo
August 4, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterlaurie
Just last night I was seriously trying to figure out why, in this day and age, Medical Science cannot figure out how to make men lactate! C'mon, if we can turn men into women and visa versa, even have men grow breasts, why can't we make men lactate? I honestly can't figure that one out.Happy 3/zero Ben! I actually turned that age this year too...only it looked like this ------> 30Love,Me
August 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLeigh
I love all your posts, and though they never fail to move me, I am at a loss as to what to say.

For some reason though, I felt compelled to share tonight that we too were remodeling our house in anticipation of our twins. After their births, and deaths, I had to come home to a house under construction creating extra space we no longer needed. Salt on the wound is not nearly strong enough to explain how that felt.

My heart is with you.
August 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLori
Three months- hard to imagine...Well, Happy three months, Beautiful Ben, ( and sweet angel boy Liam.) Now, get working on those smiles for mummy - she deserves lots of them.

Sending many healing vibes to you and your scars, both inside and out. They only add to your beauty.

xo
August 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterEve
I love Justin's comment. There are some things about our bodies (and I'm with you on the nipples!) that just are - and it's a great comfort that the men that count understand and love us the way they do.
August 5, 2007 | Unregistered Commentertrish
GO Ben, grow!Yes, Painful Queeby Numbness gets a two nipples up. ;)...I hardly know you and I already wanna hug you :)*s
August 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSteph
You little nippers.....

it's funny how time expands and contracts like breath sometimes, 1 day becomes a year, months a lifetime earned in growth and pain and all those things that officially mark us as adults.

I'll put money on Ben smiling for his mama much sooner than 6 weeks.
August 5, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterthordora
Happy countdown to miraculous Ben smiles. May they arrive ahead of schedule. I love those new photos and the sweet little leggies. I used to contemplate my tiny guy's pinkies because they were so impossibly small. I expect I would focus on Ben's teeny toes.
August 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKaren
You have come so far through all of this. Thanks for taking us along with you. Your strength, honesty, and way with words astounds me.

Just thanks.
August 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLeann
It is hard to believe that it has been three months. Such an unbelievable time it has been. Looking forward to seeing pictures of your gorgeous grinning Ben-- soon.
August 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAlly
Hi Kate,Ben looks beautiful and so do you. I checked out your flickr stream. Miss you and I am glad to read that you are enjoying all the love around you. Loved your post about Evan running and happy. Good to see the pictures of him too!

Lauranne xoxox
August 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLauranne
oh crap, i'm going to be poor after buying one of each of those. i cant believe how beautiful those quilts are! thanks so much for the link
August 6, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterwilddreemer
You have lived at least five life times in the past three months, Kate and would have to come out of it all 100 times the mama you were before. Queebly numbness is most definitely an accurate description. Mine is still numb one year later. Sacred, indeed.

Thanks for the quilt link.

Much love,ashley
August 6, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterashley in SC
Apparently there is a whole (tiny) subculture of men who lactate. For some reason we googled it while I was pregnant with A, and every so often I bring it up. Not that I'd actually want K to take over, but it *is* an option. At least one to threaten!

But what I really wanted to say was that you may feel like you're 100 times the mother now, but you've always had it in you. You've always been that mama bear.
August 6, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterm
Your husband is lovely, and funny. Touching post.
August 6, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermaggie
Happy Due Date...

My c-scar is 2 years old -- well 1st it's 6 years old and then it's 2.5 years old...

I still have numbness around it. I hope it never goes away...

My oldest (6 YO) thinks it's a zipper where he and his younger brother (2) came out of...



August 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMimipz5wjj
Great post, as usual. I laughed so hard at Justin's comments... you two are in such synchrony.

Wishing Ben a happy birthday!!!

(((hugs)))
August 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterGabs
upward nipples for all. I love the new pictures of Ben.
August 6, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermfk
Happy Birthday BEN - I love the pictures of you... you handsome boy - JUST like your big brother! :)
August 6, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterchristine
Glad to hear Justin laments his back hair as much as me. Now he's at least 6 inches closer to the ground in my myth :-)
August 7, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJason Dufair
happy minus three months day, ben.i can’t wait to see your first smile.

kate, you and justin are an incredible pair. i’m so glad you two have each other.

i have my own purple bump-strip, now after three years a little less purple, a little less numb, but still visible, perceptible, a reminder, of not quite such a nightmare as yours, just of the fear of almost losing my uterus. when i woke up and heard i was still in one piece except for a big myoma they managed to cut out leaving everything else intact after all i felt a little like waking up from a nightmare.i was amazed how long that incision felt weird, numb and tingling at the same time. somehow at some point, i don’t know when exactly, it has become a part of me.
August 7, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterbine
I hope you get that first smile soon.

And I never have read anything describing the scar that moved me so much. I have one too - it's been used twice.
August 7, 2007 | Unregistered Commentercarrie
Happy birthday, Ben! I can't believe it's only been three months, after all your family has been through. Can't wait for that first smile. You so totally deserve it.
August 8, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJen H.

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