on the sunny side of the street

The mountain forests of British Columbia are like cathedrals, sacred and ancient. Thousand year-old hallways and altars and grand columns that rise from rich, deep moss-velvet. You walk in this place humbled, a guest of the gods.

The place that became us is so vastly foreign to the place that birthed us.

Full circle in Nova Scotia, land of pirates and rum-runners and a meat grinder sea. The woods here are a shag carpet of stunted and unassuming gnarliness. Legions of black spruce stand like matchsticks in comparison, more hardy and honest than show-stoppingly glorious.

We drove home today from the hospital, from one boy to another, and I rested my head against the car window, stared out at this land-borne ocean of brackish green.

And suddenly there he was: my Liam, the blur whizzing past him, full of amazement.

I had told him, you see, during that long night as we lay through spells of breathing, and spells of not: rest now but come back whenever you like, sweet boy. Come back and pour yourself into my ear, and sit down cross-legged in front of my eyeballs. And I’ll move my head back and forth and take you places, and show you the most wonderful things.

A wall of threadbare jacks, weed trees thick in a bog. But look, my boy! Ahh, look. How straight they stand, stripped bare and spindly but proud of their prickly tuft. Stubborn through the winter, up to mischief with the crows. Aren’t they just perfect, just as they are.

There’s another of Liam’s gifts. His soul is inside me again, the way he started. And so I’ll take note of the world for him. Beauty and nourishment, through my eyes and all my senses.

Look, sweet son. How you would have loved all this.

++++++++++

Evan watches me earnestly as I pump, eyes fixed on the drip- drip- drip.

"Mama make a-boobie milk," he declares. "Aaahhh… (as if deciding) …a dis one for Ben, a dis one for Leee-am."

I decide it may as well be now.

"Evan sweetie, Liam doesn’t need mama’s milk anymore. He’s a star now, watching over you, strong and brave. He’s okay, he’s a happy baby now."

He scrunches his forehead in disapproval.

"No mama, dis one’s for Leee-am. Dat one’s for Ben. Dis one for Leee-am. Leee-am! Ahhh… Thomas. James. Skarloey. Misser Toppem Hat. Twubblesome twucks. GORDON!"

And he huffs off importantly to arrange his trains into lines of orderly submission.

My throat swells again at the loss he can’t yet grasp. An almost gravitational withdrawl pulls me into sorrow, to immersion in what Liam should have been, at the expense of all others.

But instead, thanks to his big brother, I smile at how rich we are. As rich as Rockefeller.

Comments

[Jessica]

I hope this comment won't seem out of place, Kate... this afternoon, after I read your last post, about Liam's passing, I cried, and thought for a long time, and stood amazed at your courage; found my eyes watering off and on all afternoon. Later, I went into your flikr pics (which I rarely ever do, with any blog, because it feels intrusive). I was struck by so much beauty in your life -- your lovely family -- your life is so rich. I'm glad you voiced that in the last few lines above; I would have never said so to a grieving mother, but it is rich in love and caring, and those things are transmuted into your personal strength, I think. What can I say? Thank you for sharing that.

Stay strong.

[miriam]

So sorry, in tears actually, to hear of Liam's passing. The beauty in your writing and in your starkly clear perception of your son is a gift.

Thank you. God bless you and yours.

[brooke]

Through your words I see the landscape, hear the wind and feel the pulsing ocean tide. I feel the beating of your mama heart.

Bless you Kate. Thank you for sharing your most private, wise, primal self. I, among many, drink in your wisdom and your perfect love.

With love, b.

[flutter]

More rich.

[andrea]

As strange and intrusive as it feels typing from thousands of miles away to a family I've never met, I must express my sorrow but at the same time my hope for the future.

Liam will live on in your soul forever and in all of us who you have so graciously shared him with.

Your strength and love are amazing.

[HeatherH]

Thank you for sharing your rich life. Much love streaming your way.

[melody]

You are so young, yet so wise, so strong...a good and beautiful mother...to three boys. Again I say, thank you for sharing so openly what is so private and deep and difficult and yet, you show us the beauty that is life.

Peace

[Aurelia]

Beautiful.

[Karen Hunter]

Thank you...Thank you...Thank you for so graciously sharing this private and personal part of your family's life. You will probably never know how you have touched the lives of soooo many. In my thoughts and prayers.

[amanda]

Thought of Liam yesterday as I drove through rolling green countryside. His enormous spirit, and his famiy's courage. I know there is a sadness beyond comprehension, but you have cast color, shape and sound upon this taken too soon baby. I admire your way and wish for you the promise of holding on to his essence and one day sharing the library of your memories and experience as you hold him in your arms.

[ann adams]

Your grace, your courage, your spirit, and your beautiful words have blessed me.

Thank you for that.

[thordora]

You just made me cry and giggle, all at once.

And star is such a nice way to put it.

[slouching mom]

There’s another of Liam’s gifts. His soul is inside me again, the way he started.

Yes. How right that is.You are strong and sure.You have such grace.

[missy]

I've read your comments on a few other blogs, and found them insightful. One day I followed you home from Thordora's and you were sitting on the beach with Evan, all preggers with a beautiful sapphire sky. That day I shared you on my Google reader.

Then this journey began. As a mama I can imagine myself in your place; not fully, but enough to swell the membranes of my throat, enough to feel pain in my chest, enough to allow silent tears to drip down my face and bubbles of snot that send me stumbling blindly for a tissue.

I am just one of hundreds, apparently.

[Katharine]

I cried as I read your post yesterday and it seemed appropriate that the rain lashed against my windows and the wind shot down my street all day as I was thinking about you and your family (the sky above scotland got confused about the definition of summer yesterday).

Liam found his way into the hearts of so many around the world, through his beauty, his determination and his strength (which must have come from his mama). He won't be forgotten in a hurry.

[Bon]

"his soul is inside me again, the way he started."

a state of grace, Kate. worn with such grace and love.

remembering, over here, and seeing with those eyes again. thank you.

we're thinking of you - and especially of Justin - on this Father's Day.

[Trasi]

You are one unbelievable person. And so eloquent.One of Liam's biggest gifts has to be the perspective he left you with. At a time like this, you could be easily swallowed whole by sorrow. Many of us would be, at least for a while. Instead, your mourning seems very tempered by what you believe to be his wishes for you, to go on and live a rich and full and happy life. That is a blessing, for you to be able to feel that way.

[jodi]

i hope you know how incredible you are. thank yo so much for sharing your beautiful words with all of us.

[jodi]

you are incredible. thank you so much for sharing your beautiful words with all of us.

[bubandpie]

I haven't visited your blog before - I came here today from Bon's post, wondering how I can promise to remember Liam when I haven't met you, or him. And then I read this post, and your words have made him real. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[HMFT]

Kate, my admiration for you mists the world around me.

You are one of the strong women. A teacher. A leader.

I felt Liam through the eyes of my baby boy last night. A piercing gaze from dark brown eyes that I'd never seen before. A confused and questioning heart was soothed, if for a night.

[Stacy]

"His soul is inside me again, the way he started. And so I’ll take note of the world for him. Beauty and nourishment, through my eyes and all my senses."

Your words are so eloquent. Peace to Liam, you, Ben, your husband and Evan.

[Eve]

Amazing Kate,

I'm so comforted to know that Liam is now free of his broken little body, and snuggled up in your heart - home.

May your darling leprechan boys heal you, and sprinkle you with their magic - I know they've made the colours in my world a bit more vivid.

Now, go make a-boobie milk, sweet mama.:)

Love Eve

[Joanna]

Kate, I have cried twice this morning in thought of you and what you have endured. This post has me in tears yet again -- such beautiful, amazing words. Your life is indeed rich; you share the love you have of your life and the place in which you live so it spills over, contagious. I am still so sad for you that Liam has passed on, but he is indeed in a peaceful place now and should you continue to see your world in such vibrant shades of green and blue, thanks in part to him as part of you, you are so very lucky and surely, thankful. This was another amazing, thought-provoking post. I wish you continued peace and strength this week - my thoughts to go Evan and Ben and your future together.

[Leann]

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

[Jeanettte]

Kate,I feel him here, in the desert, I already told you that. I will feel him stronger when my feet hit my home soil next week, when I feel the salt air and stand under the trees and feel the Maritime air on my skin, I know I will feel Liam in my soul there, in the place where we both were born, and - universe willing - I will also end my life's journey.

And I cannot wait to meet you Kate, to feel your enormous presence and grace and love in person, to finally hug you and transmit physically some of what I've been energetically sending you across miles and wires and space for these past few months.

Jeanette

[Richard]

I thought about all of you yesterday, such a sweet, sad day in Nova Scotia. How all of us are shaped by wind and salt and sand, and by the bittersweet dance of life.

As you see, you’ve touched many souls here. Liam has touched many souls. Rest now.

[annie]

Dearest Kate and family,

Such sorry - I cannot imagine.But oh what joy to have been blessed with Liam even if only for a short time. Thank you for allowing us to share with you your precious moments with your beautiful boy. I wish only peace and solace for you and your loved ones.

[laughing mommy]

So sorry for your grief, and glad for your relief. I wouldn't have wanted a child of mine to suffer or be in pain, and I understand that you wouldn't either.

Peace and God bless you during this hard time.

[Karen]

I don't have the right words...

My thoughts are with you and your boys...

[Colleen]

Your words are beautiful.

[m]

Again, you blow me away with your grace and eloquence. I love the way you see the world. What a gift you are giving your sons to be passing that on.

Death is so hard for any of us to understand, let alone young children. When my brother died, for weeks I would ask my mother "where's the baby?". I can only imagine how hard that must have been for her. I think you are wise to let Evan know about Liam as soon as possible. He will slowly understand, as well as any of us can anyway.

Much love to all of you this father's day.

[erica]

My thoughts are with you, Kate, and your strong, young family. I hope these words help, not hinder; they say what I want to say in words I could never muster...

Wild Geeseby Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.You do not have to walk on your kneesfor a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.Meanwhile the world goes on.Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rainare moving across the landscapes,over the prairies and the deep trees,the mountains and the rivers.Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue airare heading home again.Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination,calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -over and over again announcing your placein the family of things.

[Keri]

Beautiful writing. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

[ashley]

The way you are writing about something so painful is beautiful and heartwrenching. Please know you & your family will be in my thoughts & prayers. May each day bring you a little joy & a little glimpse of Liam.

[helena]

Your courage leaves me speechless.

[Hillary]

As lucky as you are to have had him, he was as lucky to have you.

[sarah anne]

kate and justin, and evan and ben -did you know your brother's name means strong-willed warrior?i read that today after thinking hard about how hard liam lived, how much he put into his little life on earth.and now he gets to watch all of YOU grow.i'm thinking of your family, and praying for you.be well.

[Mary]

I don't know what to say, except that I am with you in spirit, as a mother and therefore, a soul sister, of a sort. Thank you for such a beautiful blog to read, and know that you have touched me deeply with your words.

[Michelle]

If I could have half your grace and wisdom, a fraction of your insight, I'd be a rich rich woman. You simply amaze me.

[Mad Hatter]

I lost my mother a few years back. Your words of grief are so true, so beautiful. Liam will be remembered with sorrow and joy. Much sorrow but some joy as well.

[Janice]

i can't even speak. you have to be one of the most beautiful mothers - and writers - in the world.

like michelle just said - you amaze me!

[coldH2Owi]

I sit here on Father's Day with my twin granddaughters, now nine months old & note how lucky I am to have them. Their mom sent me your URL & now, with wet eyes I realize how lucky I am to have you in this world as well. I say Liam will be a salmon in the Margaree.

[Chasinash]

I love how you can be hopeful and thankful right now. Or rather, that you can admit that ONE PART of you is hopeful and thankful.

Sometimes, in grief, we think a smile is treason. Disloyal. Unforgivable. I wish more people would realize, like you, that appreciating the world and being happy with the richness of life is one way to honor those who swirl in the cosmos around us. You have been made bigger with Liam's soul inside you ... to live fuller, starting today.

Liam won't wait for anyone any more. Liam is hopping between stars right now, just as Evan and Ben will hop between stones in the river. Liam IS the wind that whips their hair on the beach. Liam is riding comets, chasing Ben and Evan through their dreams. Hurry and catch up. He wants you to run, laugh, and smile with him. I think he wants that for all of us.

[Mrs. Chicken]

Kate, I can only echo what these others have said.

Your grace is astonishing.

I know you are in agony, yet your hope shines like a beacon.

Thinking of you all.

[kristin]

So tiny yet so mighty these boys. So brave their mama. She found her primal strength to love her boys and share with us all her joys , her hopes, her fears, and even her deepest pain. So private a pain, yet she shares it still with us. Thank you Kate. Thank you so for sharing your boys with us all. I do not pretend to know your pain, yet I ache for you in a deep way. You have the greatest grace, a fierce strength, and a mighty heart. I looked up the meaning of Liam today and found this, and again it gave me pause. Such a poignant name for your beautiful son.



LiamIrishMaleunwavering protector

[Brad and Kelly and Connor]

Got your message on my phone yesterday morning just after you called. I felt just horrible for missing your call. I am now installing a phone downstairs in the basement. I called your place, hoping to leave a message, but instead had a good talk with Doug, he answered.Kate, your message was so touching, amazing. I cried with you when I listened to your message. I did discover of Liam's passing on Friday when I arrived at work. Of course, sobbing uncontrollably, hoping no one would notice. I called Brad immediately. I am so glad that the blankets made it there and that Liam had a chance to be wrapped in it and it's warmth. The thought that it was hand made by a dear friend, then passed to my hands, then to yours and Justin's, then Liam, and of course Ben too. It made me well up to hear you say he was in it the whole time..it makes me feel good that somehow we could be a part of that.Those pictures of Ben...ah, he looks amazing...what a wonderful little baby boy he is turning out to be. Here's hoping you can bring him home soon! Stay strong Mama and go squish Evan for me and Connor and Brad. My family passes on their love and sadness.Happy Father's Day Jus!Love always...talk soon.

[MammaLoves]

I am blown away by your ability to express the most beautiful thoughts in the midst of such tragedy.

I don't know you or your family, but I see Liam in the stars too because of your incredible writing. Thank you.

I send my heartfelt positive thoughts your way.

[mo-wo]

I walk those forests out here and all you say is true. Let him light awhile here and we will speak his name. Run with him. My Alec might carry a little of his spirit in him unknowingly for you have imprinted my gratitude for him more fully.. more.. more.. - with all you graciously give with your words.

The new pictures are lovely. Best wishes of my heart to you all for each sunny day and for strengthening through all that you are in today, tomorrow and yesterday.

[Liz]

Kate-I have never met you but have been directed to your site after having 27 weeker twins in November. My son left this world after only 28 hours and my daughter is happy and healthy at home with us now. What a difficult and incredible journey you are on. I spent all of last night reading through your blog, so grateful that someone had posted so many of these thoughts that I have had and feelings that I have experienced in such an eloquent and beautiful way. How strange to feel utter grief and total hope and happinness at the same time. I am so sorry to read about Liam yet comforted, as I was with my son, that there would be no more suffering. Thank you thank you thank you for your incredible words that resonate so deeply with me and my family.