fancy free in the land of hanalei

Kate: <tugs at rear end with scowl on face>
Justin: “What’s your problem?”
Kate: “My girdle is chafing.”

<silence>

That’s right, folks. You heard it here first. My girdle. A giant gestational jockstrap.

Before this, I’ve never had sympathy for an inanimate object — but I’ve also never subjected innocent poly-nylon blend to such near-ripping tautness.

It feels good, all things being relative, for about five minutes. Gives me a break from having to cup the heaving mass with both arms like a sixth-grade class runt buckling under the strain of laps with a medicine ball. Then, a spontaneous perimeter breach as a snap gives way with an audible TWANG! between my legs.

And the heckler comes to life inside what’s left of my brain: You’re wearing a GIRDLE. GirdleGirdleGirdle!

Am not, I say to the voice. Shut up. It’s an Intimate Prenatal Support Garment.

Are too, cackles the voice. It’s a GirdleGirdleGirdle! And you’re TORTURING IT. There’s a statute in the Geneva Convention that outlaws what you’re doing to that poor, helpless girdle right now. You’re a heartless despot to girdles everywhere. Everybody stand back — it’s going to BLOW!

This morning I woke up feeling impossibly stretched, like every joint and muscle and inch of overblown-balloon skin is about to stage an illegal wildcat strike. I can’t possibly get any bigger than this. I just can’t.

People tell me I look ‘cute’. But given context, I can see they’re aghast. I would qualify as cute if I had a bag of onesies and a box of breast pads waiting by the front door, ready for imminent labour. But I am only at 28 weeks, with two months of expansion still to come. A Mount Everest of both time and fundal height.

All that lies ahead is pregnancy of grotesque proportions. I know I’m supposed to be positive, and I’m supposed to glow. But my belly throbs with relentless pressure, crawls with itch. I want it to stop. Anything for it to stop.

Then, thoroughly miserable, I trip over this.

 

Me, a little more than slightly drunk on mai-tais in Hawaii, a day or two before Justin asked me to marry him. This night we went to the resort’s happy hour after baking on the beach all day, and then returned to our gorgeous suite to jump on all the beds and kick it to 70s funk.

I was all bronzed bubbliness. I was so thin. Was I ever so thin? Not appearances-thin but unoccupied-thin. What heaven it would be to inhabit that body right now, now when I can’t tie my own shoes without help.

I am miserable, huge, incapable, hormonal. I am a bottomless pit of complaints. I can’t help it: the only relief I have is for people to understand. I need you to know how this feels, this urgency to be empty again. They spill from me, these complaints, because sympathy is the only relief I can access other than distant birth.

I’m suddenly restless with it, this lust to be empty.

And guilty too, for souring my womb when I should be breathing deeply and sending waves of motherly affection to Alpha and Bravo, sumo-wrestlers dear.

The me in this picture didn’t whine and shuffle through the day. She buttoned up her pants, leapt out of bed in the morning, walked briskly. She must have been pleasant for Justin to spend time with, all ease and lightness and giggles. She had no idea how free she was.

Looking at her now I’d swear she skipped through life. If I met her today I’d use my belly to smush her into the wall like a bug just for provoking me with her perky existence.

Justin: “How are you feeling?”
Kate: “I can’t stop burping, but whenever I do, I feel like I’m going to barf.”
Justin: “I’m sorry I asked.”
Kate: “It’s like my digestive organs are all crammed up into my throat. It’s totally disgusting. Want to see?”

<silence>

Comments

[Rebecca James]

If it's any consolation (I HATE it when people say that to me! - so feel free to tell me to fuck off) pregnancy is obviously inspiring you to come up with some FANTASTIC writing.

"I’m suddenly restless with it, this lust to be empty."

It just fits perfectly. You'll get a novel (or two or three) out of this.

[Jessica]

I feel the same way as you and I'm only carrying a singleton. I'm so sorry this sucks so bad...Nothing else to say other than sending hugs your way. (You know, hugs where there's actually no contact, because if you're anything like me contact is the last thing you want!)

[D'Andrea]

I'm laughing and trying not to pee my stretched-out-self. Brings it all back! Once somewhere after 30 weeks I got stuck in the tub. That's right, stuck, couldn't get out, had to yell for help and get hauled out. Sometimes when I was napping, I'd wake myself up burp/throwing up. Totally gross. The last month was... well, I don't want to ruin anything for you... Picking up the toddler also brings challenges. (picking up anything really becomes an issue, I wish I had one of those claw things on a stick, do they make those?)

Right near the end of the pregnancy I blew 80 bucks on a pair of lululemon pants that had a fold down waist band with lots of extra stong elastic that I could wear over the belly. It felt SO good. None of my shirts could contain my belly so i had to cover it up from the bottom. The pants were so great that every 5 days or so, I'd wait by the washing machine pantless untill I could put them on again. They were great after birth and held in my kanga pouch. Get a pair- order them on line if you have to! Just make sure they have the big fold-up waist thingy. I was kicking myself I didn't get them earlier.

Keep glowing!!

[Eve]

I feel (or felt, rather,) your pain. And your indigestion, frustration, and indignation. I feel I should have gotten a trophy of some sort for not murdering anyone during my twin pregnancy.

I LOVED being pregnant with one- all glowy and basking in the kicks and attention and all. Carrying two babies is a different kettle of fish - a big ass kettle that our bodies are not made to deal with gracefully.

Don't worry about not loving it - I gave up on that dream by week 28 - just try to get through it. Achy & Burpy will never resent you for it - I promise.

And I agree- your writing has not suffered a bit- you are still amazing!

[Jason Dufair]

I can't imagine, Kate. But your writing sure helps me to. Too bad you don't have a fast forward button on life's remote right now.

[Melissa]

I had to wear a "belly belt" during the last few months of my pregnancy too. The witch doctor, I mean, chiropractor gave it to me.

At least when people say to you, "OMG! YOU'RE SO HUGE!! ARE YOU HAVING TWINS?!?!" You can say yes. Instead of, "No jerkface. I just decided that along with getting pregnant I was going to get enormously fat."

[kristin]

kate i wish i had something wity to post, but i am sure you are quite fed up with witty. we are here and we hear you. your womb will soon (though not soon enough)be empty but your life will be ever so full. your little boys are loving you for all the torture you are enduring right now.

[pnuts mama]

my lord you are really having a tough time right now and i wish there was even anything i could say except that i hear you and i wish it was easier. a dear friend of mine had twins with a toddler and all she could manage in the end was a giant pair of overalls. she was miserable at that stage, too, and with good reason- two kids inside of you is insane! i had the one (and she came early!) and i was over the whole experience by week 30 or so. "don't you just love being pregnant?" "um, define love- do i love not sleeping anymore or losing all the feeling in my arms and hands or being so puffy you could stick a tap in me and cure the drought in the sahara? not so much. i love the kid inside of me, and i want nothing but her health and wellbeing, but the rest i could do without, thanks."

you had written earlier about having 3 boys when you never pictured it that way- i just wanted to let you know that my husband is the 4th boy in a series of four- and i will always be eternally grateful that his mom and dad tried 'just one more time' for a girl. he is their gift to me, in every imaginable way. luckily, we had a girl (after his brother's wife had three boys!) and she is bringing some femininity into the testosterone-infused crowd. i always think it will be ironic if she turns out to be a lesbian, but for now she's content to frolic in girlie things and let her grandma absorb her like a sponge.

best to you and the easiest possible time for these next few months!

[thordora]

Don't make me laugh so hard when I have to pee!

I can't relate to feeling that way early, but I do know I spent most of the third trimester of my second pregnancy feeling that way-the stretching, the fullness, the tumorlike qualities....it's nothing to feel ashamed of. The first time you are excited and it's all new. The second, well....it's just business.

I try not to look at old pictures. From this vantage point, I looked so thin, but not so happy. I've traded up. :)

[Julie]

Keep talking Kate -- any thoughts I have of having another bambino get firmly pushed aside after reading your posts! I so feel for you -- it must completely suck having your body taken over so completely....I don't even want to imagine. And hugs to Justin too....for putting up with everything so well...cuz I'm sure he is :) Hope to see you before you are COMPLETELY immobile.......hang in there!

[Julie]

I've just been looking over pictures of myself from last summer, when I was in exactly the same condition you are now.

If you are like me, there is truly nothing I can say that will make you feel any better. I remember thinking that anyone who said I looked cute must've been smoking something really good. And I got so sick of people telling me how amazingly lucky I was. Jerks, all of them, with their tiny little people-free abdomens and their freaking cheerfulness.

And then I'd go home and cry because I knew that they were right and that I was a horrible, horrible person because I couldn't be joyful about my babies.

All this is to say -- you are not a horrible person. You are not as big as you think you are. And, most important, you will probably be astounded at how quickly your body recovers from everything it's going through right now.

As with anything I ever say, please take this to heart only if it is helpful. If it in any way makes you feel worse, delete it immediately and pretend I never said anything at all.

[Bon]

dude...i think the girdle will forgive you the torture, in good time. ;) but that sweet, lithe little girl in the photo, miss Merry Sunshine, i'm not sure her frame was ever meant to carry two extra bodies around on it without girdle support!

you're gorgeous. and i want to see the girdle in the next photo.

[kirsten]

aw, kate. i sure don't understand what you're going through in the proper proportion but i want it to be FINITO just the same. you show that Intimate Prenatal Support Garment who's boss!

[alex]

Wow, this post really brings me back. Back to a VERY BAD PLACE IN MY LIFE that I don't want to remember at all! I fucking hated pregnancy and still get my hackles up just thinking about all those asshats who said stuff like, "You should feel lucky," or my favorite, "Enjoy this time! Once the baby will be here you'll be even MORE exhausted!" I only carried one baby, so I cannot even imagine what you must feel like, but I did want to say that I do understand that not all women are all virgin-mother-y about pregnancy. Does it help if I promise you it is worth it in the end? And that you might even forget some of this misery someday? ;)