You see them, right? The signs on every minivan you pass: FREE PERSONALITY TEST! .. and you’re tempted. It’s only a harmless little quiz, right? And you’ve got a few spare minutes.

(This will be the dawn of your enlightenment.)

I’m happy to report that less than a week and just one grocery trip post-purchase, Justin and I have both earned Operating Thetan status in the cult of the minivan, and are now on a passionate crusade to welcome reformed apostates into the church’s embrace.

We know you’re out there. Folding one and all into sleek sedans and sporty wagons and chunky-cool SUVs, masters of the arts of denial and child-origami. Despite the telltale diaper stash, doorframe-knocking noggins and body contortioning midget-wrestling episodes, the presence of children is almost totally negated by the mountain bike racks. Admirably resistant you are, clinging to your hipness like the captain of the winning team panting in a post-game interview: I guess we just wanted it more than the other guys.

We know you because we were you. In its infinite wisdom, the church fast-tracked our Thetan levels due to our former membership and ease of infiltration among the That-Will-Never-Be-Us transportational collective (closely associated, not coincidentally, with the We-Would-Never-Have-Three-Kids life planning collective). Following is our crusade directive, as granted by the cult higher power:

• Those with ONE child = minivan not quantifiably necessary (distant target)
• Those with TWO children = minivan exponentially more necessary, excessively luxurious (denial stage: requires heavy indoctrination)
• Those with THREE+ children = minivan unquestionably necessary (therapy stage: assist in the assimilation of reluctant converts)

If you are not happy in life, we can help you find out why. Or, if you *think* you are happy in life, we can help you find out that you, in fact, are not. Not until you too open the door to your vehicle WITH A BUTTON. The World Dominatory Church of The Minivan extends this warm invitation to you.

Resistance is futile.