The putting on and letting go of boobish airs
When I stepped off the train in Scotland — one of very few travelling adventures to date — the first thing I did was go to the lowland equivalent of what we'd call a neighbourhood dive and order the traditional breakfast of legend: piping hot black tea, blood pudding, baked beans, fried tomatoes, fried eggs and a steaming bowl of steel-cut (as if there is any other sort in Scotland) oats with cream, brown sugar and pats of butter melting on top.
I've never tasted porridge like that. It melted, it stuck to ribs, glistening, silky and substantial, a desert island meal. I dream of it. I try to replicate it. If I were food I'd marry it and have its gelatinous love-children.
But what, you may ask, do steelcut oats have to do with boobs?
EVERYTHING, says I.
+++++++
Say what you want about being an open mama, an accepting mama, universally supportive and non-judgmental. I'd say I'm all that, but I'd be lying.
I'm supposed to be too enlightened for prejudices like these.
Saying the following, as is required to be socially genteel: Everyone has to do what feels best for them and their baby.
All the while thinking: Hmph. Bottlefeeders. Perhaps their nipples are insured like J. Lo's badonkadonk for six million dollars. Perhaps they're frigid at the true purpose of their own flesh and all the modesty blankets in Texas wouldn't be enough to contain their totally juvenile squeamishness. 'I tried but it was too hard…' Riiight. If it's not working, you're not doing it properly. Or you'd rather purchase your kid's first food at Wal-Mart.
(Ouch. I know. Breathe deeply, please, and bear with me.)
It came from passionate enjoyment, this secret righteousness. Breastfeeding was easy. So tactile, instinctual, fulfilling, on-the-fly. Why would anyone choose formula when they could do this?
Breastfeeding made me feel so proud, so self-sufficient.
And now for the humble pie.
+++++++
The boys were born and it was two months of NICU pumping, coaxing emotionally soured milk under duress, drip by institutional drip. It was effing hard work that was likely to never pay off, the nurses told me — preemies were notoriously poor breastfeeders, and many would never get the hang of it.
Since milk was the only healing and solace I could offer, I swore to prove everyone wrong.
I did, for a while. Now here's the trouble.
By reckoning of his adjusted age — which puts him at just over 4 months old — Ben has been right in the middle, the 50th percentile for both height and weight. Then a couple of weeks ago, the pediatrician charted him as falling to the 25th percentile for weight, noting concern.
Give him formula! the world shrieked, or so it felt. You're not making enough milk, and he's STARVING!
After all we've been through, that pissed me off. I needed support, not stress bombs. Seven months of pumping and domperidone and Guinness and water-chugging and tugging and yanking and barracuda-cuddles, and for what? To give up? At seven measly months? Not me. Not after all that.
Supplementing, I fear, is a one-way ticket to breastfeeding's end.
Baby drinks less milk, you make less milk, you feed more formula (repeat until dry).
And I am not a bottlefeeder. Not this soon, anyway. For the sake of vanity, pride, emotions, trauma, identity and my card-carrying membership in the Hey Facebook, Breastfeeding is Not Obscene! group and the Homegrown Dairy Auxiliary and the International Association of Modesty Blanket Burners.
It's not about you or your pride, says the world. It's about what he needs, and he's STARVING.
So offensive, after so much work and commitment to try and do the right thing, to be told you're starving your kid. Eff you, world. Take a pill, world. It's just a dip. He'll come back.
But the charts… the charts. The damn charts. Yesterday at the NICU followup clinic we were told he's slipped further, to between the 10th and the 3rd percentile, which is not good. 90-97% of all four-month-old babies are bigger than him.
He's still happy and big-brained and bright-eyed.
But teensy, and teensier still.
So… f*ck.
F*ck.
I am kneecapped.
+++++++
Grrrrrwwwaaaargh!
He's frustrated that it's not a continuous flow, that there is a delay when the spoon returns to the cup. When he finds it in his mouth again he slurps greedily, and repeats until we reach the end of the cup. Then he yangs.
Does he want more? Or is he full and uncomfortable? What do I do?
He plows through the second cup.
I hope I'm doing the right thing. I hope my milk supply doesn't suffer. I hope it's not too early for solids. I hope it doesn't turn his gut into a pretzel. I wish I knew something for sure, anything.
Once again I am a mama simultaneously with instincts and without a clue.
After a short boobie love-in he finally sleeps, bellyful of organic rice cereal cut with formula, the baby version of buttery scotch porridge with devon cream on top.
Maybe not the best thing to have for breakfast, but damn. He sure digs it.
At least it's a shade above blood pudding.
Pride shmide.
sweetsalty kate
104 Comments
Reader Comments (104)
It's OK.
He'll be OK. And he might even be ... *grateful*.
The bottles might be OK, too ... if you want to try them ... it allows the snuggling, still.
I'm trying not to be mad at you for the judgment - that's the judgment that kept me hidden inside my house for months, so terribly afraid of what "people would think" if they saw me with a bottle. What mothers would think. So ashamed - ashamed of feeding my baby in the way that turned out to be most necessary for her.
Thank you for the letting go part.
They really dig the cereal, don't they? We are all simultaneously mama with instincts and without a clue. How would we do it any other way? I just can't imagine.
The things that seem to be helping: Me eating more, really fattening baby yogurt, and hearing from other moms how common this is.
Try to take it easy on yourself. I'll think of you when I'm choking down another Guinness this evening :)
At one point in our son Toby's boobing, I pumped after he ate to increase my flow. The midwives told me to do it for twenty minutes after I was dry, which lucky for me wasn't painful. I know many moms for whom that would be excruciating, so they would probably have had to do what works for them.
You are an excellent mother and breastfeeding is great as long as it works. There really doesn't need to be guilt when it doesn't, (especially after valiant efforts and lots of success) but I know that's easier to say than do.
And if he likes the cereal go for it. He probably knows better than we do what he needs. I'm sure you have oodles of milk - just don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Trust your gut and hang in there - not everyone can be on the 50th centile or above.
Love your blog and i think you are an incredible woman. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Lovely post.
I totally understand how it must have felt to not want to leave the house because of what people would think about bottlefeeding - if I have to start supplementing, which is very possible, I'll feel just the same way.
It's just too bad we don't truly learn some of these lessons until we see the world from the other side of the fence. :)
I have birthed nine babies. I have breastfed them all. (Bambino Nueve is seven months old and still nursing.) But for some inexplicable reason, my body rebelled against me after my fourth child. I had to give her solids much before I wanted to, and my milk dried up completely by 9 months.
I was so sad about it, and so mad at myself at the same time, and so shame-filled about my hidden prejudices against bottle-feeders. And then I gave my baby a bottle.
I hope that you're still able to breastfeed Ben. I think charts are overrated. Is he pooping and peeing as he should? Is he meeting developmentally appropriate milestones? These seem to be to be more significant markers than numbers on a chart.
I actually had more to say, but I heard a crash in the other room and have to run.
and jebbus....how on EARTH did the human race survive without formula? I'm sure he's fine. If everything else is ok-why the panic?
I started Viv on cereal around 4 months-she LOVED IT, and we moved on from there. If she hadn't of been into it, we wouldn't have done it. Follow your gut Kate. You know your son better than any doctor ever will. (I formula fed mine due to circumstance, and I STILL think the stuff is the tool of the devil)
good stuff kate - thanks for the post!
I probably would have been right there with you if my luck hadn't placed me on the other side. I was only able to breastfeed for two days before my world was turned upside down (my daughter has a rare genetic disorder, which made her unable to process protein, so no breastmilk--or regular formula for that matter). After that, our world turned to bottles filled with disgusting special formulas and toxic meds, and charts of every cc ingested. In some ways this made me even more envious of breast-feeders, in some ways it made me more understanding of formula feeders, and, overall, it just made me happy that something existed to help my sweet baby.
Not that this is anything like your post ...
I still can't get over his beautiful eyes. :)
[With my first child, I felt very strongly about nursing, and she nursed until she was over 2 1/2 years old. When my second child was 6 months old, I started a job with very long hours (70 or more a week) and no place to pump. I also had difficulty staying hydrated. Within 6 weeks I had no milk. Luckily, she was more interested in the food than the emotional bond, and did not seem disappointed by the situation.]
You do your best. That's all you can do.
You've done so well to even be breastfeeding him at all. Pretty amazing!
I feel for you on how hard this whole situation can be; I remember many conversations with myself over it. If the Little Guy is seeming interested in the food, then you did the very right thing. If you follow your heart and your Mama-instincts, even if they differ from what your initial hopes and expectations might have been, all will be well. (I have a good friend whose doctor recommended formula supplementation when her kiddo was about six months old, because she just wasn't growing at the rate they hoped to see. Paige was a peanut, indeed. Healthy, but quite small for her age. It DID work. And her Mama continued BF as well, for a few more months). You should see the kid now - sturdy and perfectly healthy at age 2 :). Hugs to you, Kate - I think I offered you nothing but verbage here, but this is a personal one, with 'right' or 'wrong' not fitting. There just isn't one answer. FWIW, I would do just as you are.
And you have already done so much for your little Ben, and are doing so every day, no matter what mode of feeding you (and he!) decide on.
Then I had my second and all hell broke loose... Went through 3 lactation consultants, lots of thrush, LOTS of struggling feedings and just an unpleasant feeding time for baby and me. When I finally "gave up" I BAWLED my head off in my family doctor's office. Our doctor was so kind and sat with me for probably a half an hour, assuring me I wasn't a bad mom for giving my son formula. I think my own undercurrent of judgment from before about "those moms" made me feel worse about the whole thing than anything else did.
But, he survived, I survived, and he's a healthy, mostly happy (oh, he's a handful), and even gifted 6 year old now. And what's more - I survived, too. Within days I was OK and knew me feeding him formula did not mean I was giving him the juice of the devil. And if others judged me - so be it.
I have never commented but I have to put in my two cents. I have breastfed all of my children (5)I am a slim average height mama and my kids were all in the lower percentiles. I just had small slim babies. They are growing into regular kids. You know best. Ben is growing, he looks happy and healthy. You are doing the best thing for Ben by breastfeeding him. Please, please, please don't quit. Every nursing mother worries about their childs growth sometime.Ben needs YOU to feed him. (Have you tried fenugreek(herb) or domperidone (drug) they work wonders.
Breastmilk is best in most cases, sure, but that doesn't make formula evil or bad. Feeding your child is what's important and however that happens, well, what matters after that?
With one of my boys I needed motilium too, and found it good enough to sustain him most of the time. But the stuff that worked like a charm was a tea made by Traditional Medicinals, called Organic Mother's Milk. There's magic in that brew, I tell you. (Or at least, fenugreek and blessed thistle.) Turned my little A-cups into udders. It's available at most natural food stores and even sometimes at Safeway or Superstore.
No judgement here - you'll work it all out.
Thank you for riding through this with me, and for sharing your own truths...
As Leigh so awesomely pointed out, we are all there at some point, or various points, in our Mama-lives. It is impossible not to 'judge' at least a bit, as we find out own ways, carve our own feelings out of all the choices parents have these days. It is heavily suggested that new mothers do it, so of course there is pressure to BF; the reasons make sense re: the health and natural aspect of it. But formula was created for a reason, and it's nourished hundreds of happy thriving children for years. What did Mothers do without breastfeeding? I believe they gave the babies milk, straight from the glass jar. At least, that's what my MIL told me about her experience back in the 50's. (When my she tried to coax me into that route during my first struggling weeks of BF Boy #1 I about fell over; formula, with vitamins and minerals and all that good stuff, sure seemed to beat straight milk for a newborn!) I will always be proud of myself for nursing all three of my kids for roughly 6 months; I will never regret how I included supplementation and solids into their feeding routine by 5 months. But I no longer judge the mama who has made her choice, whatever it may be. Leigh, you are entirely eloquent in your reply, as always. Love to you, Kate! You have awesome readers here ;).
all i have to add to the wonderful chorus of support and anecdotes here is my own...when O was six weeks old, only two weeks past due date, they hospitalized him and insisted that he was probably allergic to breast milk and that we try a hypoallergenic formula. i kept pumping because i refused to stop nursing entirely, didn't quite buy the allergy deal, but was also worn out and totally unsure of myself so went along. when we were released from hospital, we started a nurse then supplement routine that stayed with us, going up and down, for entire year following. there were periods when he was four and five months, just before i started cereal with him (at about 4.5 months adjusted, because, like Ben, he was clearly hungry) when we actually made our way back to exclusive breastfeeding. and in the end we nursed until he was nearly 14 months.
so...even supplementation isn't entirely a one-way train.
thinking of you (and those oats) with fondness.
So - ignoring the current advice which says no food until 6 months - I did a literature search of medical journals and found a very recent British study that said that feeding food to babies at 4 months (as long as it was non-allergenic rice cereal or vegetables and everything was sterilized) was not a risk. The paper even recommended food in the case of hungry breastfed babies. So I did exactly what you're doing - and didn't feel guilty.
(There is a reason to hold off if food can't be sterilized properly and it did recommend avoiding gluten (no oatmeal) until 6 months).
If you want a copy of the paper, email me and I'll try to dig it up for you.
The 6 month "exclusive" is meant to promote breast feeding not starve ready (able to turn head, clearly interested in food etc) babies who would benefit from standard progression of additional foods.
Thank you so much for blogging so well about this very touchy subject...
of course i too will share that our kid plummeted down the charts (was she ever on them to begin with? not really). ben is gaining and growing. he's certainly *not* failing to thrive. most babies (bf especially) hit plateaus, no biggie, you could add a feeding or just do what you're doing with the cereal (why not? especially if he is eating it! seriously, that is such a huge deal for a preemie!) and see what happens. my kid always hit a plateau when she was teething- freaked me the fuck out, of course i imagined the child was going to starve and be malnourished and affected for life- so far, she's not, and she won't. kids eat when they're hungry- we have such unrealistic expectations for "growth" anyway- i mean, ben, my pnut, they are gaining and growing, on their own trajectory. the end.
and, i say fuck those charts because they are an average of the current contemporary child by age- just an average! *not* a recommended weight/height, and average of the other kids- who gives a shit that my kid is on the low end of average? especially when in the same breath we are complaining about an obesity epidemic? my kid eats mostly healthy food (chocolate is healthy, yes?) and if ben is bf'ed, well, then, so does he. so pbbbth.
i know you know most bfed babies are slim. their nutrition is sooooo specific to their needs, there are no extra fillers, so efficient- we could all be so lucky as to eat like champs and be so svelte. many stay that way through childhood, as well, god bless em.
you know you are doing a kick-ass job, kate. please don't stress this any more. feeding (and not feeding) is one of the worst, anxiety-ridden parts of being a mama. you are doing so well with ben, and he is doing so well, i promise. xo.
All the best and good luck with the babyrice. My little ones love a bit of pureed butternut squash with their babyrice at about 6 months.
Merry christmas to you and yours.
Nicky x
(And the decision to supplement with formula is just not one to stress over, honestly)
I really enjoyed breastfeeding and did so for 21 months. But, that being said, I think that that breastfeeding is overhyped. I think it great for the mom and bonding and it is way easier than bottle feeding, but the immune issues and the "making kids smarter" ...hmmmm, I can't really see a difference.
You have worked your ass off for 7 months. Your body has been through a really rough time. I hope you can relax and feel good about your decision.