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The sibling sweepstakes

“Don’t bother waiting,” my fellow yogi said at class on Saturday morning. “Just do it now. If you wait until Evan’s out of diapers, he’ll only end up regressing once the second comes along. It’s just like <name removed to protect the guilty>. When my second was born, he started pooping on the coffee table. I wouldn’t tell him that now – he’s 24. But that’s what he did.”

To impregnate, or not to impregnate? That is the question. We see ourselves as a two-fer family, so it’s not the numbers that are up for debate. It’s the timing.

If we were on the two-year-gap track, I’d have to get pregnant by the spring. But.. but.. but.. it’s not fair! I’m back to myself again, just. I’m not leaving milky puddles on the sheets. I smell good. I am light of foot and nimble of mind. I know what month it is, and I don’t open the fridge door to put a clean frying pan away. How do I love thee, mojo? Let me count the ways.

Three years: that’s what I’d been thinking. Give my recovered self a nice, long break; give Evan a chance to learn how to pee standing up; get through the terrible twos. My hopes, however naïve: that a three-year-old Evan would be more likely to respond to reason (or at least bribery), making it easier for us to cope as a family of four.

Now, we’re on the fence. The Do-It-Quick camp says:

  • Compress the diaper years, even if it means they overlap.
  • The sooner you get pregnant, the sooner you’ll be done with it for good. Your body is never really yours again until you’re done.
  • Kids born closer together are closer in spirits.
  • It might take you longer to concieve than you think. May as well get started now.
Meanwhile, the Give-It-Time camp says:
  • Why would you allow yourself to have two in diapers at the same time? Why, in the name of all that’s holy?
  • Why rush? You’re not ticking yet.
  • Kids born further apart are easier to manage.
  • Don’t start trying unless you’re ready to get pregnant tomorrow.

Readers, family, friends: please weigh in. Cast your vote in the Evan’s Little Sibling Sweepstakes! A prize, yet-to-be-determined, will be delivered nine months from the contest close (also yet-to-be-determined).


Posted on Tuesday, February 14, 2006 by Registered Commentersweetsalty kate in | Comments12 Comments

Reader Comments (12)

I'd say wait. That's my opinion. For all those reasons you stated there. On one hand, it would be nice to get pregnant again right away, so you could get it over with, but that's entirely up to you!I believe it may make things easier if Evan were older and out of diapers and somewhat easier to reason with...ha ha. But speaking from experience of having a (almost) 3 year old, reasoning doesn't really get easier! Connor is just experiencing the terrible 3's! Sheesh!Are we gonna have another? The jury is still out.
February 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKelly
My grandmother, who has the qualification of wisdom earned through time, says, "When you're in the shit, stay in the shit." Meaning diapers mostly, but all that other stuff too I imagine! Now, given that bit of grandmotherly advice, Satch will be three next month and I'm still not pregnant. I think you will find many arguments for any choice but the reality is, there will be pros and cons no matter what you choose. I thought I wanted my kids closer together...I wanted to get pregnant when I had done the compulsory 18 month post c-section wait. But when that time rolled around, I didn't feel ready. What I have been doing lately though, is meditating on the issue. If I find stillness in my heart and I get quiet, images and thoughts float in that help me. And, then I also leave room for magic...a baby is a gift from heaven, the universe, mega-box stores (whatever your belief, there is always a bit of magic). So I trust the wisdom of whatever plan bigger than me exists and know that the right baby will be brought at the right time.

I will say this though, at least you are smelling good and have worked your way back to yourself so you've done the basline waiting. You're good to go!
February 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBrooke
I sit in the "do it now" camp, but agree that there are pros and cons of every age difference. But perhaps I am thinking sooner than later b/c I still haven't gotten my mental faculties back!
February 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHeather
I sit in the "do it now" camp. I suppose it is just like me to have an opinion when I don't have kids yet but while you're thinking about how you're finally back to yourself, think about being the ripe young age of 50-55 and all your children are out of the house. You'll be able to have your own life back again as a couple and be selfish again. I know many women / couples contemplate this fact when deciding how old they can wait to start having kids. Do it now, let them be near in age so they can lean on each other in their twenties when mom and dad have happily left on a summer long boating trip and intentionally forgot to provide them contact information. :-)
February 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCheryl
I sit on the "do it now" camp, too. Or at least sooner then later. With Christina & Mitchell having a 2 1/2yr difference, I really don't think I'd want them any further apart. They are getting to the point now that they can play and interact well together. One's not "too" old or "too' young for the other. And for a moment, they were both in diapers...but it didn't last too long! It's all an adventure! Have fun!
February 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAllyson
That sound you may have just heard was my jaw hitting the floor!! Already - what's the rush?!? I'd wait another few months (4 to 6) at least, enjoy your old body and the joys of giving all your attention to your only little man (who, is running around now so will be more work than I can imagine, anyway). A 2.5 year gap between kids is just right, then Evan will be old enough to kind of understand that you will have to pay more attention to the new baby and won't get tooooo jealous, he will be potty trained and not producing as much laundry (hopefully) by then. That's my opinion anyway, but what do I know, I can't imagine ever having 2 kids as I look down at my 4 month old wiggling in her front carrier as I type (because I need 2 hands and she needs my 2 "arms"). Happy Decision Making - good luck.
February 15, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdaphne
How the hell did Mom do it? Oh yeah, I was perfect!With your perfect boy, it'll be easy too!!!Always happy to help.

February 15, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAndrew
Fascinating stuff! So far, the Do-It-Quick camp is trouncing the Give-It-Time camp, but a deep, dark part of me wonders if you're all my mother, posing as helpful peers and fishing for more grandkids. ;) The weird thing: I am so in love with Evan that I feel strange introducing someone else into the mix. He'll get less of me, and I'm already sad for it. He's my little buddy, and we have all kinds of secrets and fabulous adventures. Can I divide myself in two and be as much to each?
February 15, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKate
There is no right time. No matter what time you pick it will be suboptimal in some way - you're only trading one set of regrets/gladness for another. I have a saying: There's no right time (to have another child), only a right person (to have another child with). And who wouldn't rather have the latter than the former?
February 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael Fergusson
Ladies and gentlemen: we have a winner. Technology visionary, four-time daddy and super-styling, all-around genius Michael Fergusson, as always, delivers the silver bullet. Brooke, California earth-mama and fellow blogger comes in a very close second for the ringer, "When you're in the shit, stay in the shit."

Just don't think this means we've come to a decision!
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKate
Our kids are 2 years and 2 months apart, and we had the same debate (well, not really a "debate", I (the father) was mearly an innocent bystander...). We had the same list of pros and cons. We made a decision by picking which pro or con was the MOST important to us, and just dealing with all the runner ups in the best way we can. For us, it was most important to have our children close in years. Now, four months into our two children family we are deal with all those runners up the best we can, as for the pros... damn it they better be best friends!!!
February 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBen and Crystal
Clearly, the 'Do-it-Quick' camp is winning, but regardless, here's my experience on waiting. Nicholas and Noah are 6 years apart by choice. We really wanted to enjoy our time with Nicholas while also being able to focus on our careers. Not to mention my ingrained inability to deal with two kids in diapers. Now being an 'only' for so long comes with its share of challenges. 'Onlies' as described last year by Nicholas' Kindergarten teacher have tough time sharing. They also tend to have wild imaginations, because they always have to play by themselves at home. Hence his growling like a monster at the other Kindergarten kids was really not acceptable. And, once they hit three you really have to spend a lot of time arranging play dates so that they learn how to interact with other kids. That said, on the plus side, we've been able to travel a lot while only having to deal with one car seat, stroller, etc.; Nicholas is very independent; he's able to easily switch between playing with others and playing by himself eliminating the need to have to constantly keep him entertained; and he is a fabulous big brother to his little 6 month old brother. He's incredibly helpful, protective and caring. I couldn't be more pleased at how things turned out with a 6 year difference. The reality is - you are going to have to go with your gut instinct on when to have another one. It's great to hear from your friends and family on this topic, but ultimately you guys need to make this decision on your own. Good luck!
February 28, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLeslie

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